Late Night Musings

 

Today, I learned that Demon Copperhead is considered a modern retelling of David Copperfield. I know that means nothing to you but you weren’t around me to tell you that David Copperfield is this very strange movie that I watched with my exes parents. It was old and black and white and weird and he kissed his family on the mouth for a suspicious amount of time. 

Today was Sails first time in a pool and you weren’t there to witness her kicking her legs like she has done this her whole life. 

Today a kid told me that pregnant women are a fetish to some men and is it the belly or is it because there’s a minor in there and that’s so funny. 

Today I thought of how good of a man I’ve seen you be at times. 

Today I cuddled and watched a movie with my kid but there was no you in the background chiming in. 

Today there’s no one but me to tell my kid goodnight.

Today there’s no one for me to talk to but her. 

I’m sure today I thought of you less today than yesterday. 

Today I thought about the most beautiful sky I saw yesterday. It was the prettiest I’ve ever seen. 

There’s A Reason Humans Lie To Themselves

 

I’ve always said that your words are what made my skin feel alive. 

I was living before you, but not living well. 

I was content but not overjoyed. 

I was nothing compared to when you showed up at my door. 

You spoke life into me, made me remember the feeling of lightning and fire and electricity.

Words that made me come into being,

Made me feel like my thoughts were interesting,

My viewpoints important.

Like I was so beautiful and shiny from the inside.

Made me feel like my touch was special to you.

That no one could fill my shoes.

Observations on things I did.

Reasons I was worth loving.

Ways you needed me.

Effects I had on you.

Things that made me feel seen. 

Looking at me with your rose colored glasses. 

Made me want to make breakfast.

Made me want to reach for you. 

Made me want to please you.

Did I do a good job, daddy?

You say too much and it’s not special anymore.

That’s what you tell me.

But, how could someone making you feel relevant in a world with billions of people, 

Never not be special. 

Feeling like my life is even better than the books I read.

Words that made me want to be the best possible version of myself. 

My own self-important corner of the world.

A corner I worked my whole life to feel like this.

Literally feeling like I matter, when truthfully I am no one special. 

Who could ever get accustomed to that? 

How could I ever take that for granted?

How could that ever not be the most meaningful thing in my universe. 

Truth is, I wish I still inspired you to talk to me that way.

So I just sit back and reread the past all the time.

And I’m sorry I don’t inspire you.

Jolene

 

You are the wildest decision I ever made.

The opposite of everything I was raised for.

The opposite of every certainty I’ve ever known.

You’re a whirlwind of bad decisions and a life lived hard.

Everything I was told not to want.

Reckless and restless. 

Mistakes with women, mistakes with me.

Racking up life after life,

Not staying, not settling. 

My biggest fear,

Falling for someone who couldn’t stay.

A kid, scared to death of you. 

From the very first second. 

Always telling myself you were trouble. 

However, 

When you look me in the eyes,

My skin is on fire. 

When you touch me,

I melt to the floor. 

Your words are what makes me feel alive. 

You are every dream come true. 

An adventure I didn’t know I was made for.

You take care of me so good.

You feel so fucking good. 

You spend every day,

Trying to make up for the things that keep me awake at night. 

Taking care of me.

Kissing my bare skin. 

Proving you’re what I should believe in. 

Electricity I can’t leave alone. 

A future I beg for. 

Your hands on me, 

What I pray for.

The security you bring to my home. 

Your voice in my head,

Your body in my bed. 

My name from your lips in my ear. 

Remedy

 

You nestle yourself between my legs

Capture my full attention 

Look me in the eyes 

Plunge yourself into me

Eyes on me the entire time 

Wrap me legs around you 

Nothing between us is ever deep enough 

Don’t break eye contact

Tell me you love me

Make me feel you

Make sure I know 

Make love to me 

Let us fall

We’re here the whole time 

A moment just to ensure 

That we know everything between us is real 

I look at you

You look at me 

We keep falling 

Am I Invisible

 

Its the middle of the night,

Im sad inside,

Sad of all the things living inside me,

Sad of all the distance currently existing,

Sad of always being misunderstood,

Sad of how badly I just want to connect, 

Sad of how close we used to be, 

Sad that you always used to understand,

Sad I can’t ever do what you want,

Sad that no one ever listens,

Sad that I scream to the void, 

Sad no one hears, 

Sad I’m so easy to talk about it, 

Sad I’m impossible to talk to, 

Sad that all I want is to be enough,

Sad that I just want to deserve your love,

Sad that I don’t ever earn it, 

Sad this night never ends,

Sad a new day never brings anything different,

Sad because I’m used good now,

Sad I’m not new and shiny, 

Sad I’m not worth trying for,

Sad all I think about is you, 

Sad you don’t care,

Sad that I’m still here,

Sad that you haven’t tried to find me,

Sad you don’t come for me,

Sad you don’t miss me the way I miss you,

Sad that I can’t make you happy, 

Sad that I can’t make you interested in hearing me,

Sad that I’m fading in front of you, 

Sad I didn’t do it right, 

Sad I’m not what you wanted, 

Sad that life feels so dark without you,

Sad that I can’t be the thing in your life,

Sad that I’m just filler, 

Sad I’m not anyone’s forever,

Sad you don’t hug me,

Sad you don’t tell me it will be okay,

Sad you don’t hear all the things I don’t say,

Sad you don’t hear the things I do say,

Sad I don’t know how to keep you,

Sad that it feels like the only way is to shut up and say nothing, 

Sad that I feel like I wouldn’t even be missed,

Sad because you were the thing I wanted most

You Like This Makes Me Want to Explode

 

There is a version of you 

That feels like a million tiny star particles 

Rolled into your body

Feels like seeing the sun set for the very first time

Feels like I’m crawling out of skin

Waiting in anticipation for you to touch me

Feels like I’m almost on my knees 

Begging for you

A version of you that speaks 

And it’s what my dreams are made of

That is romantic

In a way that keeps me wet for you

Your skin feels like home and

You’re so beautiful that I want to touch you so bad

The most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen 

You feel like reading my favorite book for the first time

Experiencing everything all at once

Taking me nice and slow

Making me feel like I’m the love of someone’s life

Taking me harder 

Because I’m so needy and desperate 

For you

You feel like seeing the ocean for the very first time 

Completely overwhelmed with emotion

Fear and joy and curiosity 

Like I’m the universe’s favorite 

Like someone made a mistake 

Giving me more than I could ever deserve 

Late Night Thoughts or Lonely Walks Alone on a Beach

Maybe you and I,

Are finally finished business.

The resolution I didn’t want.

Maybe you’re just better off with someone else,

Maybe you think I’m just a friend,

Maybe too much has happened,

Sex with me,

Just like sex with everyone else,

Nothing special,

A dime a dozen,

I’m just a substitute for 

Whoever is in your fantasy.

You’ll look at anyone,

Any old ex will do,

Even me. 

No longer worth your time,

To convince otherwise. 

Sex isn’t new and exciting with me,

Just something you’re occasionally in the mood for. 

I’m just another girl,

Other things are better. 

No more burning with desire,

You’ve had your fill of me,

Now you’ll release me,

Allow me to go be wanted,

My body to be a non-negotiable,

Someone who’s fire will burn for me,

That will care enough to take the time needed,

To remind me that I’m not everyone else.

A final conclusion.