How Many Eras Exist in One Lifetime

 

Try to write, 

A story that will break your heart,

Something that sums up how I feel inside,

And all I have is you and I, 

No other words encapsulate that,

The whole Earth of emotions that rage inside,

But everyone deserves a bedtime story,

Once upon a time,

My hair was golden in the sunlight, 

My eyes sparkled in the sun, 

My skin was soft underneath your touch,

My face was an artifact worth observing, 

My thoughts were fascinating,

My observations astute, 

The look in your eye that made me feel safe to touch you,

Your words which reminded me there is no one else, 

Your body that needed mine to feel like home,

Things you did with only me,

Things you had done for the first time in your life,

Conversations that were exciting to share with me,

Intimacy that made me feel like there was no comparison,

No comparison because it was what you needed,

No comparison to your other girls,

And you were needy with it,

Now I’m the thing,

With the threats of living replaying in my ears, 

Reminders of my worthlessness, 

Worthless with comparisons of other girls,

Girls who were kinder,

Had different bodies,

Cooked more for you,

Were everything you remind me I’m not,

The constant inconvenience,

Inconvenient because I’m always fucking something up,

Faced with the look of disappointment,

Greeted with stories about how appealing my couch is, 

A million things breeding a million insecurities in my head, 

But that’s my fault too,

Words from you that are less and less,

When I used to be told stories about me being the sky,

Gestures that are further, 

Because my thank you isn’t enough,

Because I’m too selfish to deserve it,

Because everyone else is nice and I need a dose of the real world,

Tears that are only worthy of anger, 

We criticize those who show emotion,

My problems that you hate me for,

I’m too expensive, too emotional, too much to love,

No let me hold you, 

No you and I will be okay, 

No can I have a hug,

I’m always wrong,

Always doing something displeasing,

All of my problems go away with you,

I just wanted your love, 

All of your problems multiply around me,

Flashing lights of how unhappy I make you

Always Caught Up In You

 

It’s so hard to say goodbye. 

I was never very good at it. 

There are millions of things I’ll miss. 

A million things that will kill me,

When they’re meant for someone else. 

Goodbye is watching you go for the last time.

Knowing that it’s for the hope of a real love. 

Telling myself I’ll be okay. 

That someone will want life with me.

And that’s worth waiting for. 

One person not needing me, 

Doesn’t mean someone won’t live for me. 

Wishing and wanting someone to love you,

Just doesn’t make it so.

Hard lessons to learn, harder to admit.

A million looks on your face.

I’m sure will haunt my dreams. 

A voice that will live rent free in my head. 

A touch that meant everything to me.

But I’m a big girl and life goes on. 

Things change and people don’t want you anymore. 

You always knew you’re only worth it as long as you can stay new and shiny.

Once the excitement of something you couldn’t have fades,

I’m just plain old me. 

And I never was your favorite thing. 

Never for very long.

Never for forever. 

The End of An Era pt. II

 

Tell me it’s midnight and you can’t possibly live any longer without hearing my voice.

Tell me you see me everywhere you look, the gas station, the car, the clothes you wear. 

Tell me you don’t dream of the future without seeing me in, your plans intertwined with my presence. 

Tell me you literally can’t even imagine touching another girl because she’ll never feel like me.

Tell me that you can’t survive without me being your wife. 

Tell me that you care about what I want to talk about, that you care what the inside of my head looks like.

Tell me that you understand commitment, as long as it’s with me. 

Tell me I’ll always make your body feel something, every time you see me. 

Tell me that I’m the one you want to make happy, to care for, so that I can blossom for you. 

I’m Sure There’s a Reason I Don’t Deserve Dreams Come True

 

I lay awake at night,

Screaming into the proverbial void,

Is there anyone up there who can hear me,

Hears my prayers, my pleas, my begging,

Things lost, finding their way back to me,

A version of him I’d die for,

Die to marry, die to possess,

Die to let him possess me,

Own me, give him what he wanted,

The only boy I was comfortable to touch first,

Crawl in his lap, bare myself to him,

Every inch of me laid open,

The only boy I thought I could,

Expose the inside of me too,

How badly I wanted to love, 

How badly I wanted to, 

Outwardly express my inner desires to,

So full of things that no one ever sees,

Wanting to love someone out loud, 

The way I do in my head,

Safety and security required,

And you, the closest I’ve ever know to,

Feeling safe around a man,

A soul I swore I knew,

I didn’t know what was missing from life,

Until I heard him speak,

Feeding all aspects of me,

Opening me up to learn how to love him,

Now, I’m just learning to be a stranger,

To a man I don’t even know,

Instead of the one who I craved,

Was he even real,

So perfect, everything about him,

A life I thought I could have,

A dream I thought I could know,

But I’m no longer worth it,

Don’t deserve to be worshipped,

A million reasons he’ll create,

Anything to not be the only thing I wanted,

And nothing else will ever compare,

Happiness wasn’t meant for me, 

I don’t deserve to feel that good, 

He can’t possibly allow me to,

Have so many positives in life,

He has to knock me down a few,

Make sure I know I’m nothing special,

Don’t deserve to be loved differently,

Understanding not needed here,

Wanting to know me is now irrelevant,

My insides don’t matter,

And how foolish was I to think otherwise 

The Thing Always Left

 

Why can’t I just remember the bad,

All the ugly like you seem to. 

Why am I awake at night,

With memories that I have,

No business remembering.

Why are we laying side by side 

In the dark,

Why are we telling secrets,

That no one else has to know.

Why are you laughing,

Singing, driving, existing,

A moment I knew I was fucked. 

Why are you laying underneath me,

Why do I just want to look at you.

Why are you sitting beside me

In the tub,

Why are you showing emotions,

Why do I see you in my head,

As a hope for my future, 

A glimpse I was given,

Of something that I want,

And why do I always love you more

Nightmares

 

Here I go again,

Catapulting myself in a life,

I didn’t bargain for,

How quickly,

Laughter turns to silence,

Conversation turns to criticism,

Walking on eggshells,

Just so no one says mean things to me.

Not what I was promised,

But broken promises never matter,

Kindness is funny,

A joke for the ages,

Something I’m not worthy of,

After a few months,

No longer worth trying to know,

You know everything,

Nothing left about me to learn. 

The magic from the start,

The boy who existed then,

Wanted to talk,

Wanted to work out fights,

Wanted to say I love you,

Gone, like a thief in the night,

While I beg to see him again,

Plead with God,

A better life,

One like the boy from the beginning,

Wanting to be known,

Wanting to love someone else,

Wanting effort,

Hoping for kindness,

Hoping someone hears me