I Hope You Know How Badly You Were Wanted

 

You were what my literal dreams are made of. 

Cosmic stardust and magic insides.

You were hoped and prayed for.

Your presence was a constant cause of happiness.

I hope I made you feel loved in late night conversations. 

I’m sorry you couldn’t stay. 

I hope the sky is beautiful where you are.

My family is falling apart without you.

I don’t know how to not blame my body.

My very being.

Just know, none of the things that have happened are your fault.

You’re perfect and kind. 

I hope you live on every time I look up.

What’s Neil de Grasse Tyson Say About This?

 

Why do we always get the timing wrong? 

Why are you always Jeckell and Hyde?

Are we simply not meant to be? 

Is there someone out there better suited for us? 

Is there no one better and we still just won’t be good enough?

Every time I think I could have a good life. 

I always end up here. 

Confused by you. 

Confused by the universe. 

Confused by what this is supposed to be.

Will you think your next future is better than me?

Will you treat her better?

Will you ever think about me?

Will you ever think we had fun?

Will you ever think about the life you were building before?

Those dreams and thoughts and desires?

Will you bury them like I’ll have to bury you?

Will you tell me how nice my husband is?

Will you mean it?

Will we sit in the car during drop off?

Will we ever change for someone?

Will you want her more than you wanted me?

No boring there with her. 

Will you always diminish the hurt?

Will you say hey to the other kids?

Will you ever be sad to see that you weren’t the one to give me the pregnancy of my dreams?

Where kindness and faithfulness reign supreme. 

Will you place blame?

Will you make up with her for hurtful words?

Will you buy her flowers?

Will she excite you more?

Make your heart stop?

Imagine her in a wedding dress?

Cherish her?

Will you think she was meant to be?

Smoke Show

 

I should’ve known,

Known when you stopped reading what I wrote,

You were no longer interested in understanding,

You were reading to know me,

You were reading to fuel your narrative,

So you stopped.

Stopped hearing me.

Stopped needing me. 

Stopped knowing me. 

I thought you’d be the one. 

The one to want to hear my insides.

The one to want to feed my heart.

Instead I learned,

I’m worth tearing down,

Feeling ugly,

Not hearing,

All smoke show here.

No one staying,

No one caring.

And I’m still here with someone who 

doesn’t even know me. 

Can’t say why I’m angry,

Doesn’t know why I’m sad,

I thought you were the person most similar to me,

But I’ve never felt so far apart from someone. 

I thought we’d end up at an alter.

I thought you knew my heart,

The desire to be understood,

Something I can’t shake.

Wanting someone to listen,

To hear,

To love

I Promise One Day I’ll Figure It Out

 

One day I will show you what it looks like to be loved. 

Someone will bring us flowers,

They’ll brush our hair,

Cuddle us when we’re sad because they’re warmth.

Make us laugh because they’re light. 

No fear of angry men here.

They’ll kiss me and tell you that you’re beautiful. 

They’ll want us more than they ever wanted anything. 

They’ll sing with us to our favorite songs and watch movies no matter how much we want to, 

They’ll even make sure there are snacks. 

They’ll feel regret when they hurt,

They’ll want to do better,

They’ll know how precious family is. 

One day we’ll wear white dresses and walk together down an aisle for someone to want both of us. 

You will know how it feels to be chosen. 

You will know how it feels to be heard, listened to, supported, and have your heart taken care of. 

I’ll build you a foundation where you won’t need to lower your expectations for crumbs of love. 

You’ll know that you’re worth treating right and loving well. 

And you’ll never have to wonder why you weren’t good enough. 

Late Night Musings

 

Today, I learned that Demon Copperhead is considered a modern retelling of David Copperfield. I know that means nothing to you but you weren’t around me to tell you that David Copperfield is this very strange movie that I watched with my exes parents. It was old and black and white and weird and he kissed his family on the mouth for a suspicious amount of time. 

Today was Sails first time in a pool and you weren’t there to witness her kicking her legs like she has done this her whole life. 

Today a kid told me that pregnant women are a fetish to some men and is it the belly or is it because there’s a minor in there and that’s so funny. 

Today I thought of how good of a man I’ve seen you be at times. 

Today I cuddled and watched a movie with my kid but there was no you in the background chiming in. 

Today there’s no one but me to tell my kid goodnight.

Today there’s no one for me to talk to but her. 

I’m sure today I thought of you less today than yesterday. 

Today I thought about the most beautiful sky I saw yesterday. It was the prettiest I’ve ever seen. 

There’s A Reason Humans Lie To Themselves

 

I’ve always said that your words are what made my skin feel alive. 

I was living before you, but not living well. 

I was content but not overjoyed. 

I was nothing compared to when you showed up at my door. 

You spoke life into me, made me remember the feeling of lightning and fire and electricity.

Words that made me come into being,

Made me feel like my thoughts were interesting,

My viewpoints important.

Like I was so beautiful and shiny from the inside.

Made me feel like my touch was special to you.

That no one could fill my shoes.

Observations on things I did.

Reasons I was worth loving.

Ways you needed me.

Effects I had on you.

Things that made me feel seen. 

Looking at me with your rose colored glasses. 

Made me want to make breakfast.

Made me want to reach for you. 

Made me want to please you.

Did I do a good job, daddy?

You say too much and it’s not special anymore.

That’s what you tell me.

But, how could someone making you feel relevant in a world with billions of people, 

Never not be special. 

Feeling like my life is even better than the books I read.

Words that made me want to be the best possible version of myself. 

My own self-important corner of the world.

A corner I worked my whole life to feel like this.

Literally feeling like I matter, when truthfully I am no one special. 

Who could ever get accustomed to that? 

How could I ever take that for granted?

How could that ever not be the most meaningful thing in my universe. 

Truth is, I wish I still inspired you to talk to me that way.

So I just sit back and reread the past all the time.

And I’m sorry I don’t inspire you.

Jolene

 

You are the wildest decision I ever made.

The opposite of everything I was raised for.

The opposite of every certainty I’ve ever known.

You’re a whirlwind of bad decisions and a life lived hard.

Everything I was told not to want.

Reckless and restless. 

Mistakes with women, mistakes with me.

Racking up life after life,

Not staying, not settling. 

My biggest fear,

Falling for someone who couldn’t stay.

A kid, scared to death of you. 

From the very first second. 

Always telling myself you were trouble. 

However, 

When you look me in the eyes,

My skin is on fire. 

When you touch me,

I melt to the floor. 

Your words are what makes me feel alive. 

You are every dream come true. 

An adventure I didn’t know I was made for.

You take care of me so good.

You feel so fucking good. 

You spend every day,

Trying to make up for the things that keep me awake at night. 

Taking care of me.

Kissing my bare skin. 

Proving you’re what I should believe in. 

Electricity I can’t leave alone. 

A future I beg for. 

Your hands on me, 

What I pray for.

The security you bring to my home. 

Your voice in my head,

Your body in my bed. 

My name from your lips in my ear.