Smoke Show

 

I should’ve known,

Known when you stopped reading what I wrote,

You were no longer interested in understanding,

You were reading to know me,

You were reading to fuel your narrative,

So you stopped.

Stopped hearing me.

Stopped needing me. 

Stopped knowing me. 

I thought you’d be the one. 

The one to want to hear my insides.

The one to want to feed my heart.

Instead I learned,

I’m worth tearing down,

Feeling ugly,

Not hearing,

All smoke show here.

No one staying,

No one caring.

And I’m still here with someone who 

doesn’t even know me. 

Can’t say why I’m angry,

Doesn’t know why I’m sad,

I thought you were the person most similar to me,

But I’ve never felt so far apart from someone. 

I thought we’d end up at an alter.

I thought you knew my heart,

The desire to be understood,

Something I can’t shake.

Wanting someone to listen,

To hear,

To love

I Promise One Day I’ll Figure It Out

 

One day I will show you what it looks like to be loved. 

Someone will bring us flowers,

They’ll brush our hair,

Cuddle us when we’re sad because they’re warmth.

Make us laugh because they’re light. 

No fear of angry men here.

They’ll kiss me and tell you that you’re beautiful. 

They’ll want us more than they ever wanted anything. 

They’ll sing with us to our favorite songs and watch movies no matter how much we want to, 

They’ll even make sure there are snacks. 

They’ll feel regret when they hurt,

They’ll want to do better,

They’ll know how precious family is. 

One day we’ll wear white dresses and walk together down an aisle for someone to want both of us. 

You will know how it feels to be chosen. 

You will know how it feels to be heard, listened to, supported, and have your heart taken care of. 

I’ll build you a foundation where you won’t need to lower your expectations for crumbs of love. 

You’ll know that you’re worth treating right and loving well. 

And you’ll never have to wonder why you weren’t good enough. 

Late Night Musings

 

Today, I learned that Demon Copperhead is considered a modern retelling of David Copperfield. I know that means nothing to you but you weren’t around me to tell you that David Copperfield is this very strange movie that I watched with my exes parents. It was old and black and white and weird and he kissed his family on the mouth for a suspicious amount of time. 

Today was Sails first time in a pool and you weren’t there to witness her kicking her legs like she has done this her whole life. 

Today a kid told me that pregnant women are a fetish to some men and is it the belly or is it because there’s a minor in there and that’s so funny. 

Today I thought of how good of a man I’ve seen you be at times. 

Today I cuddled and watched a movie with my kid but there was no you in the background chiming in. 

Today there’s no one but me to tell my kid goodnight.

Today there’s no one for me to talk to but her. 

I’m sure today I thought of you less today than yesterday. 

Today I thought about the most beautiful sky I saw yesterday. It was the prettiest I’ve ever seen. 

There’s A Reason Humans Lie To Themselves

 

I’ve always said that your words are what made my skin feel alive. 

I was living before you, but not living well. 

I was content but not overjoyed. 

I was nothing compared to when you showed up at my door. 

You spoke life into me, made me remember the feeling of lightning and fire and electricity.

Words that made me come into being,

Made me feel like my thoughts were interesting,

My viewpoints important.

Like I was so beautiful and shiny from the inside.

Made me feel like my touch was special to you.

That no one could fill my shoes.

Observations on things I did.

Reasons I was worth loving.

Ways you needed me.

Effects I had on you.

Things that made me feel seen. 

Looking at me with your rose colored glasses. 

Made me want to make breakfast.

Made me want to reach for you. 

Made me want to please you.

Did I do a good job, daddy?

You say too much and it’s not special anymore.

That’s what you tell me.

But, how could someone making you feel relevant in a world with billions of people, 

Never not be special. 

Feeling like my life is even better than the books I read.

Words that made me want to be the best possible version of myself. 

My own self-important corner of the world.

A corner I worked my whole life to feel like this.

Literally feeling like I matter, when truthfully I am no one special. 

Who could ever get accustomed to that? 

How could I ever take that for granted?

How could that ever not be the most meaningful thing in my universe. 

Truth is, I wish I still inspired you to talk to me that way.

So I just sit back and reread the past all the time.

And I’m sorry I don’t inspire you.

Jolene

 

You are the wildest decision I ever made.

The opposite of everything I was raised for.

The opposite of every certainty I’ve ever known.

You’re a whirlwind of bad decisions and a life lived hard.

Everything I was told not to want.

Reckless and restless. 

Mistakes with women, mistakes with me.

Racking up life after life,

Not staying, not settling. 

My biggest fear,

Falling for someone who couldn’t stay.

A kid, scared to death of you. 

From the very first second. 

Always telling myself you were trouble. 

However, 

When you look me in the eyes,

My skin is on fire. 

When you touch me,

I melt to the floor. 

Your words are what makes me feel alive. 

You are every dream come true. 

An adventure I didn’t know I was made for.

You take care of me so good.

You feel so fucking good. 

You spend every day,

Trying to make up for the things that keep me awake at night. 

Taking care of me.

Kissing my bare skin. 

Proving you’re what I should believe in. 

Electricity I can’t leave alone. 

A future I beg for. 

Your hands on me, 

What I pray for.

The security you bring to my home. 

Your voice in my head,

Your body in my bed. 

My name from your lips in my ear. 

Remedy

 

You nestle yourself between my legs

Capture my full attention 

Look me in the eyes 

Plunge yourself into me

Eyes on me the entire time 

Wrap me legs around you 

Nothing between us is ever deep enough 

Don’t break eye contact

Tell me you love me

Make me feel you

Make sure I know 

Make love to me 

Let us fall

We’re here the whole time 

A moment just to ensure 

That we know everything between us is real 

I look at you

You look at me 

We keep falling 

Am I Invisible

 

Its the middle of the night,

Im sad inside,

Sad of all the things living inside me,

Sad of all the distance currently existing,

Sad of always being misunderstood,

Sad of how badly I just want to connect, 

Sad of how close we used to be, 

Sad that you always used to understand,

Sad I can’t ever do what you want,

Sad that no one ever listens,

Sad that I scream to the void, 

Sad no one hears, 

Sad I’m so easy to talk about it, 

Sad I’m impossible to talk to, 

Sad that all I want is to be enough,

Sad that I just want to deserve your love,

Sad that I don’t ever earn it, 

Sad this night never ends,

Sad a new day never brings anything different,

Sad because I’m used good now,

Sad I’m not new and shiny, 

Sad I’m not worth trying for,

Sad all I think about is you, 

Sad you don’t care,

Sad that I’m still here,

Sad that you haven’t tried to find me,

Sad you don’t come for me,

Sad you don’t miss me the way I miss you,

Sad that I can’t make you happy, 

Sad that I can’t make you interested in hearing me,

Sad that I’m fading in front of you, 

Sad I didn’t do it right, 

Sad I’m not what you wanted, 

Sad that life feels so dark without you,

Sad that I can’t be the thing in your life,

Sad that I’m just filler, 

Sad I’m not anyone’s forever,

Sad you don’t hug me,

Sad you don’t tell me it will be okay,

Sad you don’t hear all the things I don’t say,

Sad you don’t hear the things I do say,

Sad I don’t know how to keep you,

Sad that it feels like the only way is to shut up and say nothing, 

Sad that I feel like I wouldn’t even be missed,

Sad because you were the thing I wanted most