Smoke Show

 

I should’ve known,

Known when you stopped reading what I wrote,

You were no longer interested in understanding,

You were reading to know me,

You were reading to fuel your narrative,

So you stopped.

Stopped hearing me.

Stopped needing me. 

Stopped knowing me. 

I thought you’d be the one. 

The one to want to hear my insides.

The one to want to feed my heart.

Instead I learned,

I’m worth tearing down,

Feeling ugly,

Not hearing,

All smoke show here.

No one staying,

No one caring.

And I’m still here with someone who 

doesn’t even know me. 

Can’t say why I’m angry,

Doesn’t know why I’m sad,

I thought you were the person most similar to me,

But I’ve never felt so far apart from someone. 

I thought we’d end up at an alter.

I thought you knew my heart,

The desire to be understood,

Something I can’t shake.

Wanting someone to listen,

To hear,

To love

I Promise One Day I’ll Figure It Out

 

One day I will show you what it looks like to be loved. 

Someone will bring us flowers,

They’ll brush our hair,

Cuddle us when we’re sad because they’re warmth.

Make us laugh because they’re light. 

No fear of angry men here.

They’ll kiss me and tell you that you’re beautiful. 

They’ll want us more than they ever wanted anything. 

They’ll sing with us to our favorite songs and watch movies no matter how much we want to, 

They’ll even make sure there are snacks. 

They’ll feel regret when they hurt,

They’ll want to do better,

They’ll know how precious family is. 

One day we’ll wear white dresses and walk together down an aisle for someone to want both of us. 

You will know how it feels to be chosen. 

You will know how it feels to be heard, listened to, supported, and have your heart taken care of. 

I’ll build you a foundation where you won’t need to lower your expectations for crumbs of love. 

You’ll know that you’re worth treating right and loving well. 

And you’ll never have to wonder why you weren’t good enough. 

Late Night Musings

 

Today, I learned that Demon Copperhead is considered a modern retelling of David Copperfield. I know that means nothing to you but you weren’t around me to tell you that David Copperfield is this very strange movie that I watched with my exes parents. It was old and black and white and weird and he kissed his family on the mouth for a suspicious amount of time. 

Today was Sails first time in a pool and you weren’t there to witness her kicking her legs like she has done this her whole life. 

Today a kid told me that pregnant women are a fetish to some men and is it the belly or is it because there’s a minor in there and that’s so funny. 

Today I thought of how good of a man I’ve seen you be at times. 

Today I cuddled and watched a movie with my kid but there was no you in the background chiming in. 

Today there’s no one but me to tell my kid goodnight.

Today there’s no one for me to talk to but her. 

I’m sure today I thought of you less today than yesterday. 

Today I thought about the most beautiful sky I saw yesterday. It was the prettiest I’ve ever seen.