My Morning, Your Cigarette

What would you do if we disappeared together,

into a bed. 

Where no one would miss us. 

Where your sweet kisses could 

meet my mornings.

Where my lazy days could 

meet your fingers. 

And we could fall into love over and over again. 

Because I Need an Existential Crisis Moment

Hey shug,
I sit here today, more quiet, more contemplative than I've felt lately. I wish I had the magic words for this piece, or a clear idea of where it was going. I sit around and wonder, does anything on my blog mean anything? Does it come out as a clear representation of how I feel, or do I just start writing and keep on with whatever sounds good in my head. Are you impressed with your writing, or do you ever look at it and feel like it's fake? Does anything I say even matter? Have my words ever truly changed anyone's heart, have yours? Do your words feel deeply important and relevant? Did my words ever change your heart? They didn't make my mom come back. That didn't make anyone be there for me when I totaled my car. They didn't make him let me see his kids. Writing has always been an escape, but if they never change anything, what am I doing? I guess the same shit I'm always doing, just trying to cope. I mean that's how I started writing. To you, every night. It was the only thing I could do. Did you ever hear those words? No. Do you hear them now? No. Do you care what happened to me, my story? No. Do I just keep going at it, like I'm drowning and these words are my only savior? Yes. I look around and feel like everyone's life is falling into place, except mine. I'm still little lost Samantha, while everyone else manages to get their shit together. I'm that one person it's easy to overlook while everyone just keeps going. Then again, I was always an easy one to leave behind. At least it's consistent. All the people who have left, do they care what happens to me, what becomes of me? Will my life ever actually count for anything? You keep fighting, against all odds that all of this isn't for nothing. That life matters and eventually we all find a place to our soul. What if it doesn't? What if the ultimate, cosmic joke is that life doesn't matter, it has no purpose and is automatically and continuously stacked against you. That nothing you do will ever truly matter/ My words don't matter, and they probably never will. Do you still write? Your words were real words, power to change and connect with people words. Per usual, drink one for me.

One That is Part of the New Series - Interview One

* man who has had his first real relationship, lasting six months, and is currently single

Me: Once you realized things in your relationship weren't going well, why did you chose to still stay for another two months?
Them: I stayed to try to make it work.

Me: Why did you inevitably feel like you needed to break up?
Them: I just felt like too much was happening.

Me: When you look at yourself, what are some improvements you think you could have made in the relationship?
Them: I shouldn't have spent so much time trying to please someone that I couldn't make happy. I felt like I couldn't be happy until she was, but she needed to make herself happy, not me.

Me: Do you think she wasn't happy in general or do you think she just wasn't happy in the relationship.
Them: I think she just wasn't happy in general.

Me: If you could go back in time and do it over, would you still date her?
Them: No, I think don't think I would, we're just better off as friends.

Me: Do you think there are any issues she could have improved on?
Them: I'm not real sure.

Me: Did it hurt you when you saw her in a relationship with someone else?
Them: No, I just wanted her to be happy.

Me: Did you guys have anything to tie you together? A pet, a kid, a plant?
Them: No.

Me: How did you feel after the break up?
Them: Once it happened, I felt more free.

One Where Things Come to an End

Sailor got up in the middle of the night. The thought occurred to her, this is exactly how this started all those years ago. She looked down on the person in bed, his blonde hair glowing in the moonlight. She leaned down, sat on the floor and began to whisper to him. "It's crazy how much as happened. Please know that I loved you though. More than I have ever loved anyone. It was impossible not to fall in love with you. But I need something different now. I need to be heard and understood. My words need to carry weight with someone. I shouldn't have to feel alone because I can't express how I feel because I'm always being cut off and interrupted before I even got a chance to explain. I need to be cared for, I need someone who won't get mad when I'm not okay because it means they're not getting their way. I need someone ready to support me and help get me and us back to where we need to be. I'm sorry I need someone to tell me it's okay. I need someone to be nice to me until I'm ready to be nice to myself. I need nice words instead of harsh ones. I need recognition on how much I put into this. Things won't always be okay, but when you aren't nice to me simply because things aren't okay, okay gets further and further away. You just don't seem to understand. You want me to be all over you and ready to jump your bones when you come in the door, then I need to be okay and I need us to be okay. Literally all I need is for you to be nice to me. But you won't. It's like you can't be nice to me for more than 24 hours at a time. You can't be nice for two hours and think that makes you nice to me. Be nice for a week, two weeks and then it'd be a conversation. You have hurt me, wounded me, and the only back is to nurture me. You have to nurture a wounded thing, give it special care and attention, or it won't heal. And you won't do that for me. I'm sorry and you always were my favorite." Sailor got up, wiped her tears, and grabbed her shoes on the way out the door. And she left the blonde boy for the final time.

One Because Fuck You

You know, I've never thought I'd ever have shit to say to you again, but I'm really fucking angry right now, and you make a damn good target. I always thought if I ever did say anything to you again, I'd tell you all the bad things I'd done. All the vile things, disgusting things, anything I could say that was bad enough to deserve you not wanting me. But you know what, you're not worth it. There's an encounter that keeps running through my head. A person ran into you in a restaurant one day and brought me up, and you acted clueless. Clueless to the fact that you do have a daughter, and if that doesn't sound like you, I don't know what does. Where were you every chorus concert, play, or musical? Where were you on my graduation day when I graduated in the top ten? Where were you when I got a full scholarship to college? Where were you when I learned how to drive? Where were you when I got so depressed, I wanted to die? Where the fuck are you? Every since you left, I've never truly had anyone. My whole life has been trying to figure things out on my own. Never had anyone to give me advice, to tell me the best way to do my makeup, to tell me about boys, to teach me how to sing, draw, or write. Where were you when my best friend broke my heart? Where were you when the man that I loved was in the hospital on life support? Where the fuck are you now to keep me from screwing up my life? Where are you to tell me some things are worth fighting for and happy endings could be real? Where are you to tell me that if I get my heart broken, I'll still be in one piece, and it'll be hard, but i'll survive? But as usual you're not here, you never were. Thank you for teaching me my number one lesson though, just because you love someone, doesn't mean they'll stay. Truly, fuck you.

One Because, Let's Be Real, Writing is the Only Thing I Know

Shug, let me ask you something? Funny, I feel that's how a lot of my letters to you start out. Do you think your mom would have been happier, had she in fact stayed with the love of her life? Do you think that by her staying and time and patience would have changed him back into the man he once was? Do you think she missed out by not having the love of her life? You know, when you're a little kid, they tell your goal is to find someone you love. But that's very misleading. Love isn't always enough to make a relationship last, no matter how much we wish it was. Love, it's a funny thing though. It makes you put up with way more than you ordinarily would, but how much is too much? When do you get to that point where you know a man isn't going to change? How many bad moments make a bad life? Are there some things men should already have down? What it comes down to is this: When is the right time to leave a man? When is he no longer husband material? That, or course, makes me ask myself, "Samantha, what defines husband material to you?" What thinks have to be there, regardless of all else, love or not. My first two are obvious if you've ever met me. I want a faithful man and an honest one. Two things that are much harder to find than I had initially thought. I want a man I could see cooking dinner for every night, a man I could see tucking my kids into bed, a man I could see drinking wine on a porch with long after everyone else is asleep. So now, it comes down to what does a man have to have to make me feel okay doing those things with him. Everyone wants a man who treats them well. Actually, regardless of gender, everyone wants to be treated well. Everyone wants to feel loved and appreciated. Personally, I want a man who isn't scared of hard work. I have places I want to go in life, and men who don't have any goals or plans for their life low key scare me. Now, I'm not dumb, and life almost never goes according to plan, but that doesn't mean it isn't worth having one. I want a man who puts his family first, this man is my partner, a person I'm supposed to be able to share my load with. If I carry all my weight, and his weight, what's the point of having him around? He's supposed to help make my life easier and carry some of the weight. That means he has to be trusted to make decisions, that he can be trusted by himself, without me there to hold his hand. That I can go out for a little while by myself to the movies or to get my nails done and trust him with my home and my children. When a man puts you and your family first, he's showing you that you matter, that you two have a strong bond, that he's serious about you, that you two can face whatever comes because he will always have your back and nothing can come in between you two. I want a man who has the thought to do sweet things for me and surprises, not because I expect them, but because the lust and romance will come and go. When the lust isn't there, you gotta have a man that's your best friend. That loves you too much to step out on you, and you can still sit and talk with. When that lust is gone, you're going to need to have something substantial until it comes back. Is it too late for old dogs to learn new tricks? Can men really become those things, or do they either have it or they don't?

Because I Adore One - Liners

"You'd be surprised who the love of your life turns out to be. After all, Adventure fell in love with Lost." - Erin Van Vuren

"I aspire to be an old man with an old wife laughing at old jokes from a wild youth." - Atticus

"Draw a monster. Why is it a monster?"

" "Show me your scars," he said. "But... Why?" she asked quizzically. "I want to see how many times you needed me and I wasn't there," he whispered, a tear rolling down his cheek."

"Fall in love with a weird one - someone not quite right in the head - life is far more interesting when love is odd." - Topher Kearby

"Magic tumbled from her pretty lips and when she spoke the language of the universe - the stars sighed in unison." - Michael Faudet

"I have late night conversations with the moon, he tells me about the sun and I tell him about you." - S. L. Gray

"I asked her if she believed in love, and she smiled and said it was her most elaborate method of self-harm." - Benedict Smith


"Because everything she does comes from within. From some dark impulse. I guess that's what makes her so thrilling to watch. So dangerous. Even perfect at times, but also so damn destructive."

" "When you wake up in the morning, Pooh," said Piglet at last, "what's the first thing you say to yourself?" "What's for breakfast?" said Pooh. "What do you say, Piglet?" "I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?" said Piglet."

"We live on a blue planet that circles around a ball of fire next to a moon that moves the sea, and you don't believe in miracles?"

"Addiction is tricky. For example; a man who quit smoking for 11 years spent 15 seconds in an elevator with a man smoking a cigarette. He gave in. What I'm trying to say is, I think I love you again."

"There are times when all her pure soul needs is my filthy love."

"The world will break your heart ten ways to Sunday. That's guaranteed. I can't begin to explain that or the craziness inside myself or everyone else. But guess what? Sunday's my favorite day again."

"They say love will not last, that it has no happy ending, but I say the hell with what they say: let us burn these fears down to the ground and we will dance like children in the ashes." - Christopher Poindexter

"We are, as a species, addicted to story. Even when the body goes to sleep, the mind stays up all night, telling itself stories." - Jonathan Gottschall

"I don't ask you to love me always like this, but I ask you to remember. Somewhere inside of me there will always be the person I am tonight." - F. Scott Fitzgerald

"I miss you deeply, unfathomably, senselessly, terribly." - Kafka

"Not only did I love her, but I could tell the universe loved her, too. More than others. She was different. After all, I would be a fool not to notice the way the sunshine played with her hair." - Christopher Poindexter

"Before you say yes, get him angry. See him scared, see him wanting, see him sick. Stress changes a person. Find out if he drinks and if he does, get him drunk - you'll learn more about his sober thoughts. Discover his addictions. See if he puts you in front of them. You can't change people, baby girl. If they are made one way, it doesn't just wear off. If you hate how he acts when he's out of it now, you're going to hate it much worse eight years down the road. You might love him to bits but it doesn't change that some people just don't fit."

"Do your squats, eat your vegetables, wear red lipstick, and don't let boys be mean to you."

"He said, "Try to learn to breathe deeply, really to taste food when you eat, and when you sleep really to sleep. Try as much as possible to be wholly alive with your might, and when you laugh, laugh like hell. And when you get angry, get good and angry. Try to be alive. You will be dead soon enough."