Disregarded Dreams

 Happiness was the feeling,
Of your name on my screen, 
For the first time in a long time. 
Happiness was the feeling, 
I felt inside until, 
The first time you screamed at me. 
Happiness was the feeling,
Of looking at you, 
And you were already looking at me. 
Happiness was the feeling,
Of you telling me to 
Come sit on your lap. 
Happiness was the feeling, 
Of best friends at a 
Sleepover, whispering secrets
All night. 
Happiness was the feeling, 
Of your smile when you
Walked in my front door. 
And now, 
I'm not sure what happiness is. 
But I've got some guesses. 
Happiness is the feeling, 
Of when you talk and it's
Not to criticize me. 
Happiness is the feeling, 
Before you decided, 
I wasn't worth listening to, 
Interruptions and unfinished sentences.
Happiness is the feeling,
Before you decided I wasn't a good person, 
Before the assumptions that now run my life. 
Happiness is the feeling,
Of you coming home,
Too tired to hate me. 
Happiness is the feeling, 
Of that one tiny moment, 
Where you say everything will
Be okay,
Until nothing actually changes. 
Happiness is that feeling, 
When I thought you wanted, 
To tell me all of your thoughts.
Happiness is that feeling, 
When I could speak, 
And it wasn't the key to 
Upsetting you. 
Happiness is the feeling, 
Of having someone not think, 
You're a malicious person, 
Lord knows,
I've never wanted to hurt anybody. 
Happiness is the feeling, 
Before you woke up one day, 
And decided that feeling anger 
Towards me, 
Is something you no longer control. 
Happiness is the feeling, 
Before you decided you couldn't,
Possibly be the same person every day. 
Happiness is the feeling, 
Of those fleeting moments, 
When you think you are 
The same person you've always been. 
Happiness is the feeling, 
Before you told me you couldn't
Love me like that anymore, 
Because you weren't a kid. 
Happiness is the feeling, 
Of 2019,
When you still had the capacity,
To take a look at yourself,
Before you decided your view is
The right view.
Before you taught me to 
Hate myself.
And to feel scared inside.
Scared you'll leave,
Scared you'll stay,
And never change.
Scared that one day, 
You just weren't the same person. 
Scared that you don't think you
Have any say in who you are. 
Scared there's always an excuse,
Built in for your behavior. 
Scared that you used to be so kind, 
The most loving,
The most sexy,
Who is the real you.
Happiness is the feeling,
Of hoping for a different life,
With you,
And hoping that hope doesn't die, 
And that God still believes in miracles. 
Happiness is the feeling,
Of you in control of your life, 
And choosing to love me with it. 
Happiness is the feeling, 
Of hoping one day you'll come back around, 
And trying to be ready if you do,
And learning how not to exist,
If you don't.