It felt like whispering secrets into a forgetful wind,
Sending up my hopes and dreams,
Watching the leaves play telephone,
Until they come back down for me,
Fragments and half-wishes,
Sadness wrapped up to look like poetry and parties,
Heart swelling to shatter at my feet,
Songs that almost sound like home,
A book that had you going right until the last chapter,
Until the wind dies down,
Leaving me to clean up it’s almost perfect mess.
It is ice in my bones,
And fear in my heart.
The only thing that
Really knows me.
What do you want
After all this time?
You, you say.
And your answer is everything.
Fire inside in my veins
Lips hard on mine.
Your hand down my pants
Closing the distance between us.
Like I’m the only thing
That’s been missing from your life.
Your tongue down my throat
Searching for the emotions
You’ve been dying to feel.
My toes curl
My hands grasp for you.
Any space is too much space
Heart so fast it floods my ears.
It’s your eyes on mine
Nothing else between us.
Filling in your missing void
Is it all at once?
Or piece by piece?
Like glass surrounding your feet?
You pick up a piece or two.
Play with them in your hand.
Fix them together, like a puzzle.
Grab a third, more and more,
Until only a handful remains on the floor.
Add it to your pile of treasure.
Only to take your new creation,
And smash it with a hammer.
A million little pieces.
Too small to grab without getting cut.
Too many pieces to find them all.
Never completely whole again.
Eat, sleep, repeat.
A little more that never gets found each time.
No one noticing until it’s too late.
Until there’s nothing left.
What am I?
A big regret, an even bigger mistake?
A cause for your anger, a sponge for your hate?
A situation better left alone,
A prettier figment of your imagination.
The chapter in your story before you get your life together?
A parasite, sucking from your life.
The disgusting thing that stole your joy.
The thing you have to resist the urge to shatter?
Temptation for your punches.
The ultimate ‘what doesn’t belong in this picture.’
A rodent crawling on an otherwise clean floor?
A goddamn disaster.
Like the last drag off your favorite cigarette,
Like the panic you feel at the idea of being left alone,
Like the way it burns on the way down but you chug it anyways,
Like the tears that are too many to count,
Like just one more order of fries because it’s a familiar action,
Like the physical pain inside your chest because your heart is hurting,
Like blood dripping down your arms because everyone else always used you as a target,
Like the inability to breathe because their words knocked the wind right out of you,
What am I, but a ticking time bomb?
Happiness was the feeling,
Of your name on my screen,
For the first time in a long time.
Happiness was the feeling,
I felt inside until,
The first time you screamed at me.
Happiness was the feeling,
Of looking at you,
And you were already looking at me.
Happiness was the feeling,
Of you telling me to
Come sit on your lap.
Happiness was the feeling,
Of best friends at a
Sleepover, whispering secrets
All night.
Happiness was the feeling,
Of your smile when you
Walked in my front door.
And now,
I'm not sure what happiness is.
But I've got some guesses.
Happiness is the feeling,
Of when you talk and it's
Not to criticize me.
Happiness is the feeling,
Before you decided,
I wasn't worth listening to,
Interruptions and unfinished sentences.
Happiness is the feeling,
Before you decided I wasn't a good person,
Before the assumptions that now run my life.
Happiness is the feeling,
Of you coming home,
Too tired to hate me.
Happiness is the feeling,
Of that one tiny moment,
Where you say everything will
Be okay,
Until nothing actually changes.
Happiness is that feeling,
When I thought you wanted,
To tell me all of your thoughts.
Happiness is that feeling,
When I could speak,
And it wasn't the key to
Upsetting you.
Happiness is the feeling,
Of having someone not think,
You're a malicious person,
Lord knows,
I've never wanted to hurt anybody.
Happiness is the feeling,
Before you woke up one day,
And decided that feeling anger
Towards me,
Is something you no longer control.
Happiness is the feeling,
Before you decided you couldn't,
Possibly be the same person every day.
Happiness is the feeling,
Of those fleeting moments,
When you think you are
The same person you've always been.
Happiness is the feeling,
Before you told me you couldn't
Love me like that anymore,
Because you weren't a kid.
Happiness is the feeling,
Of 2019,
When you still had the capacity,
To take a look at yourself,
Before you decided your view is
The right view.
Before you taught me to
Hate myself.
And to feel scared inside.
Scared you'll leave,
Scared you'll stay,
And never change.
Scared that one day,
You just weren't the same person.
Scared that you don't think you
Have any say in who you are.
Scared there's always an excuse,
Built in for your behavior.
Scared that you used to be so kind,
The most loving,
The most sexy,
Who is the real you.
Happiness is the feeling,
Of hoping for a different life,
With you,
And hoping that hope doesn't die,
And that God still believes in miracles.
Happiness is the feeling,
Of you in control of your life,
And choosing to love me with it.
Happiness is the feeling,
Of hoping one day you'll come back around,
And trying to be ready if you do,
And learning how not to exist,
If you don't.
We end up alone because you'd rather
encourage our show than teach us who to be
when the lights go out.
I don't want to be a lonely woman
chilling at soccer practice
alcohol in Yeti
because I hate everyone around me.
I don't want to compete
for the biggest house
for everyone to hate me.
You create us to be lonely
I want to be more than lonely.
I want to be alive.
I want to be all day sex
in a motel room because
he could think of nothing better to do
than me.
I want to be dirty hair and barefoot
slow dancing in the yard
trying to count stars.
I am not your work all day
PTA meetings
flaccid penis.
I want more emotions than
I know what to do with.
I want to be made of laughter
so hard I can't breathe.
The ocean over top my head,
water interrupting my thoughts
one with something humans haven't touched.
I am not your death inducing job
follow the leader
feel nothing inside
wasted dreams.
I want to wake up
to him asleep rubbing me.
I am books and coffee at 2 am
late night whispers
and the feeling of love.
Fuck you and fuck your system
I am not a player in your game
I am alive and emotions
and the universe.
I lay down, wait and watch closely,
I know what’s coming now.
The closet door slowly creeps open,
As the hour gets later and later.
You crawl into my bed,
Cuddle me to your chest.
How was your day?
I ask in fear,
You tell me it wasn’t very good.
But tonight you’re tired,
Can we deal with this tomorrow?
Tonight you hold me close,
Whispering you love me,
Your lips mouthing the words into my hair.
But tomorrow,
Tomorrow is is where you strike.
I anticipate all day,
I lay down,
You lay down,
Pull me close,
To make sure I hear you.
I listen silently,
You are the reason why I am this way,
You are just too much to love,
Everyday.
I love you when I can,
You don’t deserve more when I can’t.
You broke me first remember?
No one could always be nice,
To someone like you,
Someone who inspires so much hate,
You weren’t a good person then,
And you’re not now.
Other than a home to hate,
A closet and a well kept haircut.
A companion for your late night,
Movie notions.
A warm body so you don’t wake,
From your dreams alone.
A sometimes memory of your youth.
A reason to never seek more,
From life.
Someone to talk to,
When everyone else snubs you.
A failed attempt to be something,
To you.
A distant idea you never missed.
The number one thing,
You never needed.
The nagging thing,
Standing between you and happiness.
The bitch you wanted revenge on.
An alive and well reflection,
Of your behavior.
So you can hate us both.
The thing you almost wanted.
Something for you to abandon,
The way they abandoned you.
The cause of all wrong-doing.
The whore that never saw you.
The sociopath that never,
Cared for anything.
The small pleasure inside,
When you think you’ve won.
The always there, never ceasing,
Villain in your story.
The girl not even a mother could
Love.
It feels like it could be.
You creak the door open.
I had a bad dream.
Can I come get in bed?
The word no,
Screaming in my head.
As my body instinctively,
Moves to make room for you.
I miss you, you say.
Did you miss me?
How does one not miss,
Their favorite little skeleton,
I tell you.
You curl up between us,
And look at me with those eyes.
Eyes I haven’t seen,
In a thousand years.
I’m sorry, I say.
You tell me that you know,
That’s why you have to keep,
Reminding me,
So I don’t forget.
Thieves don’t deserve,
Peace from their crimes.
And I stole,
All that was good in you.
Can I hold you tonight?
You tell me to,
Hold him instead.
But I can’t make,
My arms reach out,
To the man,
Who is fueled by hate for me.
Please don’t leave,
I ask of you.
I don’t want to be alone.
Then make him,
Want to do it.
I don’t know how,
I sob into the night,
As you disappear,
Leaving me with,
Everything I destroyed.
Why am I nothing?
A nonexistent blimp on
No ones radar.
The text message
No one ever waited on.
The name no one
Ever spoke.
The girl
No one ever asked.
Orphaned into her
Own abyss.
And the harder
She tried to be something
Other than nothing
The less attention
Everyone paid.
‘Till she really only
Existed in her own head.
If you speak in a forest
And no one is around to
Hear it
Did you even really
Speak at all?
Are you even
The molecules inside you?
Just made up of
Unheard tears.
Cried over those
Unmoved by her words.
After all, who moves
Out of the way
For nothing?
No one.
And no one even noticed.
