I’m Sure There’s a Reason I Don’t Deserve Dreams Come True

 

I lay awake at night,

Screaming into the proverbial void,

Is there anyone up there who can hear me,

Hears my prayers, my pleas, my begging,

Things lost, finding their way back to me,

A version of him I’d die for,

Die to marry, die to possess,

Die to let him possess me,

Own me, give him what he wanted,

The only boy I was comfortable to touch first,

Crawl in his lap, bare myself to him,

Every inch of me laid open,

The only boy I thought I could,

Expose the inside of me too,

How badly I wanted to love, 

How badly I wanted to, 

Outwardly express my inner desires to,

So full of things that no one ever sees,

Wanting to love someone out loud, 

The way I do in my head,

Safety and security required,

And you, the closest I’ve ever know to,

Feeling safe around a man,

A soul I swore I knew,

I didn’t know what was missing from life,

Until I heard him speak,

Feeding all aspects of me,

Opening me up to learn how to love him,

Now, I’m just learning to be a stranger,

To a man I don’t even know,

Instead of the one who I craved,

Was he even real,

So perfect, everything about him,

A life I thought I could have,

A dream I thought I could know,

But I’m no longer worth it,

Don’t deserve to be worshipped,

A million reasons he’ll create,

Anything to not be the only thing I wanted,

And nothing else will ever compare,

Happiness wasn’t meant for me, 

I don’t deserve to feel that good, 

He can’t possibly allow me to,

Have so many positives in life,

He has to knock me down a few,

Make sure I know I’m nothing special,

Don’t deserve to be loved differently,

Understanding not needed here,

Wanting to know me is now irrelevant,

My insides don’t matter,

And how foolish was I to think otherwise 

The Thing Always Left

 

Why can’t I just remember the bad,

All the ugly like you seem to. 

Why am I awake at night,

With memories that I have,

No business remembering.

Why are we laying side by side 

In the dark,

Why are we telling secrets,

That no one else has to know.

Why are you laughing,

Singing, driving, existing,

A moment I knew I was fucked. 

Why are you laying underneath me,

Why do I just want to look at you.

Why are you sitting beside me

In the tub,

Why are you showing emotions,

Why do I see you in my head,

As a hope for my future, 

A glimpse I was given,

Of something that I want,

And why do I always love you more

Nightmares

 

Here I go again,

Catapulting myself in a life,

I didn’t bargain for,

How quickly,

Laughter turns to silence,

Conversation turns to criticism,

Walking on eggshells,

Just so no one says mean things to me.

Not what I was promised,

But broken promises never matter,

Kindness is funny,

A joke for the ages,

Something I’m not worthy of,

After a few months,

No longer worth trying to know,

You know everything,

Nothing left about me to learn. 

The magic from the start,

The boy who existed then,

Wanted to talk,

Wanted to work out fights,

Wanted to say I love you,

Gone, like a thief in the night,

While I beg to see him again,

Plead with God,

A better life,

One like the boy from the beginning,

Wanting to be known,

Wanting to love someone else,

Wanting effort,

Hoping for kindness,

Hoping someone hears me