I Hate Me So That Means You Too

Shug,

What are you doing? Probably something stupid? Me too. If I had a dollar for every time I have said you intentionally self-destruct, I could pay for a plane ticket to not be here anymore. I have spent so much time calling you out on this that I forgot something. I do it too. I also continuously and for no apparent reason fuck up my life. So right now, I hate us both. You haven't actually done anything to me but I'm feeling pretty angry right now so you get to be the other target. Is that why you picked her? Is it just another way for you to destroy yourself? The other night me and my, I don't know what you call her, had a fight and it was stupid and pointless and now it's just this crazy explosive thing that went too far. And it's like when something goes to far, there's no turning back. Just sitting around waiting on someone to determine the next moment in your life? And I just hate so much that I did this, I did not mean to do this. Sitting around, pretending you don't grow more and more sick to your stomach, as hour by hour passes. Did I ever make you feel this way? Is this sick karmic retribution? I just wanted to be happy and now? I get to be alone and you still get to be with crazy. Which one of us better off? I feel so disgusted with myself. Can you relate? You get to have someone else in her bed and I get to feel like complete dirt. I wish you were here to tell me what to do. I wish you were here to tell me it's going to be okay and she's going to come through.

Here's to hoping you're in a better place in life than me.

Words Don't Mean Anything When You Don't Even Say Them

Hey shug,
I know I haven't wrote to you in a while, but honestly, I just haven't had anything to say. I do think you are the only other person I know who has such a knack for self-destruction. So this is kinda to be expected. I don't know why we do it either. Sometimes I just want to run away and start over. Every time I pour my heart out to someone and they just sit there. Every time they say just the bare minimum to keep me around. Every time they leave me blatantly hurting. My heart closes just a little more. And eventually, one day it won't open at all. But who the hell would even notice. How is it possible that I just continually end up in one-sided love affairs where the only person who doesn't get off scot free, is me? Then I remember if I ran, I would just spend my days crying because I missed that dang baby. So I stay. Stay, looking for the kind of love I have never received in return. Hoping against all hope that will somehow be the one person destined to give a fuck about me. And nothing ever changes, the people might look like they get better and better on paper, but damn, do they all hurt the same. And everyone does it. All of them. No matter how much I love them, they just ignore all the words on words on words I spew out and say a whole bunch of nothing in return. Is this the cruelty of my life? Was I an awful person in another world? I just hope you're doing a hell of a lot better than me.

One That Hurt

Hello ex-lover.
And by ex-lover, I really mean
girl who thinks she deserves
another chance.
And by another chance,
I mean,
I think I'm falling for you again.
Falling down into your depths.
Depths as in,
Will you save me?
Or will you let the mermaids
sing their song?
Lure me right into hell.
Hell, where every inch of me
burns.
Burns after the sting of your
rejection.
Burns like watching you pour
gasoline on a fire,
that I'm sitting too close to.
And all you have to do is
reach out your hand,
And pull me a few feet away.
Like watching you,
Glass trapped in between us.
And all you have to do,
is pick up a rock and
smash it.
Fall into my arms,
And we'll fall into your bed.
Where we can spend forever,
Arms wrapped up in arms,
legs wrapped in legs.
Wrapped up, until you kick me out.
And by kick me out I mean
you never let me in,
in the first place.
Never let me in like have you
ever cared about any girl?
Or all we all just something you collect.
Our feelings bottled up on your shelves.
Fuck ours, I mean mine.
My feelings on your shelves.
where they begged to be touched
by you.
And you forgot they exist.

Love Doesn't Care How Pretty Your Life Is

Angel,

Let me hear how hard your heart beats

at my appearance.

Let me feel how you shake in

anticipation. 

Look at me with your bedroom eyes,

And I pray they never look anywhere else. 

Let me feel your breath 

whispering against my skin.

Let me feel how you feel,

when your body meets mine. 

One on top of the other, 

skin to skin. 

Your fingers finding

their way inside. 

Let me feel how what you felt

falling in love with me for

the first time. 

There is never a good time for

someone to enter your life. 

There is never a good time

for someone to interrupt your chaos. 

Never easy to learn one plus 

one makes two.

It is never easy to let someone see 

you for the wreck you feel like you are. 

But everyone has two options here, 

let it in your life, to hell with inconvenience, 

Or spend every day wishing you had. 

I Think Home Is Where Your Laughter Finds You

Hey shug,

Do you ever just lay down at night and realize you spent the day thinking about all the wrong things? Do you ever have the notion that we spend so much time caring about all the things that don't matter? Every day is filled with so many of these little moments that are so perfect and we never stop and take notice. What is life if not built off of these little moments? The idea that no matter how bad things have been going for us, sometimes the universe still has our backs. What is life if not walking into a room full of strangers, and six weeks later walking out with a handful of people you consider friends? People whose humor plays well with yours? People who ask how your day is going? The idea that you came home and sat on the bed to listen to your roommate tell you a story and you genuinely got how she was feeling. To form that human connection with someone because you understand a part of their story. The idea that your best friend called you today just to talk about each other's lives and play catch up. The idea that you and your people laughed your asses off last night over nothing at all. The idea that today you heard a pretty girl sing a song you secretly love and the realization that it might just be the best sound you've ever heard. The idea that you get to enjoy a peaceful night to yourself while the rest of the world sleeps. The idea that there are so many people whose presence was directly affected by you today and you have no clue. The idea that at the end of the day the only thing that matters is the connection we feel to other human beings. The idea that little moments spent with other people matter. The idea that we are creatures that yearn to belong together. The idea that some of us have just had the worst day we will ever have, and some people just had the best. Someone made eye contact with the love of their life for the first time today. Someone reconnected with a person who meant the world to them today. Someone got to see their child being brought into this world today. Someone watched their best friend make a full recovery today. The idea that every single one of us gets lucky sometimes.

One Because You Don't Have to See the Destruction You Cause

Let me ask you a question: why do you keep hurting me? Why do you think it's okay to come and go as you please? I don't mean anything to you, so why do you like to string me along? Why is it fun for you to hurt me? You come around just long enough to make sure I'm not moving on and then disappear again, without a trace. You seek me out to make sure I'm not moving on with someone you don't want me to move on with and once you get that satisfaction, I go back to not existing. But every time you call me, every time you contact me, every time you seek me out, you bring to the surface things I try to bury. I try to make a life for myself, without you. But somehow you take up an awful lot of space for someone who is never around. You get to move on with your life, you get to have the life I wanted with you, with someone else. Why can't I do the same? You can't come around in those magic moments where you find yourself alone and your girl isn't around, say two sentences and leave. You don't get to do that. I deserve to forget you the way you forget me.

You Must Be Really Pretty

Dear sweet darling.
Come take a seat,
Take a seat and,
make yourself comfortable.
Plan to stay with me awhile.
If you don't mind, that is.
Tell me where your hopes
and dreams lie.
Tell me what scares you,
Why you're so close to your sister,
And how you came to live
with your grandmother.
Tell me what your last good day
was like,
What you like about your friends,
And the last time something
touched your soul.
Tell me why you believe in aliens,
Why you love music,
And how your last relationship
hurt you.
Show me your scars,
I'll show you mine.
I'll listen mercilessly.
And eventually we'll settle
into peacefulness.
Can I hear your heartbeat in our
silence?
Dear sweet darling,
Come take a seat,
Make yourself comfortable.
Because all I really want
is to know you.

Hello Stranger

Hello stranger,
And by stranger I mean,
How are you man in my dreams?
Dreams, but is this my living
nightmare?
Is this my living nightmare
because where are you?
And I guess by where are you,
I mean,
Where is she?
But I guess I'm just asking,
how much space inside of you
is she taking up?
Or,
Is there any space left for me?
Space left for me, or am I
just something long forgotten,
that you'll find one day, dust off,
and put back on the shelf.
Just like new.
Space left for me, but what I
really mean is,
You seep so down inside me,
that everyday the streets
are rainy.
People spend most their days
inside.
And they're slowly forgetting what
sunshine feels like.
Sunshine feels like or there
haven't been any bright days
since you've been gone.
No bright days like is life,
slowly leaving my body.
Leaving my body, like could
you take up more space.
Space like I miss you.
I miss you like please
come home soon.
Come home soon
really meaning hello stranger.

One We Haven't Seen In Awhile

Sailor got behind the wheel of her car as Mason sat down in the seat beside her, placed his hand on her thigh. "Sailor, I had a lovely time with you tonight." Sailor placed her hand on top of his and squeezed as she focused on the road so she didn't cry at how lovely all of this was. They arrived at Mason's house and after giving his mom a recap of their night, made their way upstairs. Mase turned around to look at her and she laughed nervously. "Sails," he started tucking a curl behind her ear, "you are so much." Sailor did the only thing she could think to do in the moment and reached up to meet his mouth with hers. It was a kiss that had been years in the making and Mason reached behind her to start to unzip. her dress. Sailor turned around to give him a better angle and as her black gown fell to the floor Mason leaned down and kissed her shoulder. She turned around and began to undress him as he kissed her. They both fell into the bed. As Mason laid on top of her, ready to enter her, he paused a moment to look into Sailor's eyes. "I love you," she whispered as Mason entered her.

Some Moments Don’t Have to End

Take me with you
Get me so high
So high
That coming down will never be an option
Whisper millions of secrets in my ear
Tell me things I didn’t know for hours
and hours
Read to me til I fall asleep just so I
can hear your voice
Put on our favorite movies
Watch us laugh moment after moment
Until the sun goes down
We'll watch the stars
drift about their business
While we enjoy ours
Lay me down
And fill me with your hopes and dreams
Watch me give you a life
You can never recover from

Kinda Like a Dozen but More and With Budweiser

What would it take,
to make you come back home?
What about dozens of roses,
left outside your door?
A dozen for,
every time I had the chance
to tell you I loved you and didn’t take it.
A dozen for,
every time I didn’t lay with you for just
five more minutes.
A dozen for,
every time I didn’t hold you
as hard as I should have.
A dozen for,
every space inside my heart you
take up.
A dozen for,
every conversation,
that should’ve lasted longer.
Every word I should’ve said,
but didn’t,
for fear they weren’t good enough.
A dozen for every moment
I felt completely at peace,
surrounded by your presence.
A dozen for every word
you inspired right out of me.
Dozens for,
every time a look in your eyes
stopped me dead in my tracks.
Dozens for,
every day we have spent apart
and you entered my head.
And eventually,
there’d be so many roses,
you could never possibly
smell them all.
And there’d be so many,
they could make a path,
that could lead you
right to my front door.

Definitely Has More Than One Meaning

In your head,
It was just a night.
But a night, is a night, is a night,
Until you make it more.
The sound of your laugh,
Is just a sound,
Until it becomes music to my ears.
Your touch,
Is nothing more than a touch,
Until I want it to mean more.
And none of this,
Will ever actually mean anything,
Because that's the definition of unrequited.

Give Me Your Peace (or Anguish)

Let me see what your tattoo looks like wrapped
Around my throat
Push me against the wall
Your breath hot on the back of my neck
Tell me things that will make me forget
that tomorrow is even a thing
Tie me up so you can watch me
squirm underneath you
Punish me so well that it melds to pleasure
Remind me why human beings belong
with each other
Fill me so fast and so deep
That the only person I'll ever see is you

Some Things We Think at Night

What are we,
If not a big conversation,
One made up of hours and hours of words,
Like the cigarettes you chain smoke
- All the Things We Don't Say


God,
Please help me find things
meant for me.
Things that come and
things that stay.
- A New Beginning


Just shut the fuck up.
Let your lips find mine,
Let your hands dip lower and lower
Until they're coaxing me
Right to your body.
Let you fill me inside,
So deeply we create a new home
for us both.
- The Thoughts You Think When You’re Alone


I should've known he wasn't right for me,
When my words dried up,
My flow wouldn't come, and
I just stared blankly at the paper.
- Passion Isn't Optional for Me

The End of an Era

How will you forget?
Chokers, mini dresses, and high heels.
How will you forget?
A willing outpouring of the truth,
things locked up,
keeping dirty things inside you for so long.
How will you forget?
A dark hallway, and
a kiss so shattering,
a whole house full of people felt it.
How will you forget?
Green shorts and an ending so sticky sweet,
you couldn't resist.
How will you forget?
Sex so filled with anticipation,
that even the sky opened up to feel it.
How will you forget?
Climbing rocks until we are staring,
down at the water rushing beneath us,
matching the tempo of our hearts.
How will you forget?
Dipping your sunscreen coated hand,
between my legs,
while the water gleams behind us with happiness.
How will you forget?
Skimpy outfits,
adorned while you showered,
things passing between us.
How will you forget?
Me, hands and knees in front of you,
dedicating my life to your happiness,
while darkness fell all around us.
How will you forget?
Driving away from me for the last time,
watching me shatter around you.
How will you forget?
With everyday you remain gone,
you become a little more forgotten.

I Know You Won't Agree With This But You Don't Read It Anyways

Every night you lay down beside me,
I tuck you in, cover you up.
Do you need anything?
How about some water, are you thirsty?
Some nights you let me drift off peacefully,
You rub my back, play with my hair.
Some nights you keep me up,
Whispering secrets to me as the hours go by.
I tell you my hopes and dreams.
They always make you giggle.
I tell you about a new boy,
You tell me I'll never be good enough
for a good man.
You tell me that if I keep dating guys that hurt me,
I can't hurt them.
I tell you I want to help people,
You ask what I ever did for you.
I ask you to leave,
Please go to the closet where
everyone else's skeletons live.
But you take my hand and pull
me back into bed with you.
The worst of lovers.
You wrap your arms around me,
Tell me it'll be okay,
Tell me you'll always be there,
You'll never leave me,
I'll never have to be alone.
I give in to you, I succumb,
I know no other way.
And then,
Just so I don't forget who I am,
You look me dead in my eyes
While you light that fire
Run it under your spoon,
Instant high.
You're my favorite destruction you tell me,
And I cry myself to sleep.

Here's to 2017

The idea that something good was only one magic step away.

The idea that some things never change, and the hope that some do. 

The idea that love is hard, but holy shit, the reward. 

The idea that someone's skin can be the most beautiful thing you've ever seen, and to touch it is the idea of human comfort.

Here's to feelings that we thought were lost, only to be found, and lost again. 

Here's to the child-like wonder that comes from discovering love for the first time in a long time. 

Here's to the idea of believing in the blonde boy more than you've ever believed in anything. 

Here's to the idea that it doesn't matter how you get to Sunday, as long as you get there. 

The idea that the only thing the soul needs at the end of every day is just to laugh. 

The idea that people can sweep you away, just like a hurricane, the prettiest natural disaster ever seen. 

Here's to all the secret stolen moments that didn't belong to us in the first place, but we made ours. 

Here's to all the nights where the only thing that mattered is the emotion that overwhelmed us. 

Here's to late night car rides filled with music that was everything to us. 

Here's to the mornings where we weren't fully awake yet, but still found each other's company. 

Here's to the idea that love would outlive us all. 

Here's to all the moments where anger should've been squashed and hearts should've healed. 

Here's to all the harsh words that were never meant. 

Here's to waking up and finding a way to fall in love all over again, everyday.

2017 was filled with the regret that kindness and understanding did not prevail over everything. 

But how can you really regret a year filled with the idea of love in the air and feet dirty with adventure. 

And for 2018, the idea that love comes, and is not required to stay. But we are made of pure Earth with hearts that come from the cosmos, and there are things inside of us that will always outlast time. 

The idea of giving your heart, completely recklessly, with no abandon, even if it's only just once. The notion that someone will come and when they do, they can have everything and you will hold nothing back. 

Heroin, Part II

Is this how you felt? 

The only place you find comfort,

The only place you can breathe, 

The only place you can feel okay.

A high so good, 

You can feel it on your lips, 

Taste it on your tongue, 

Know it in your toes.

But then, 

The downfall, 

A withdrawal to end all withdrawals, 

The kind that ends with a million 

Little holes, 

The kind that don't repair.

The kind that makes boys addicts, 

And girls drown their sorrows. 

I May Never Sleep Again

Can you sleep at night?
Can you sleep,
Knowing my heart aches to
Beat inside yours,
Knowing all I want is to
Hear your voice and see
Your name on my screen,
Knowing all I want is
Your heart,
Not just the parts of you
That fit inside me,
Knowing I want to be your forever,
Knowing food no longer
Fits inside my stomach,
Knowing my eyes fall like rain
Every night,
Knowing I am literally half
The person I was,
And you,
You hold all the power,
One snap of your fingers
Could fix my world again,
But you hesitate,
Knowing I'm dying without you,
Do you feel anything for me now,
Please come home tonight.

How About Shouldn't Take What Isn't Yours?

How does it feel?
To watch him be haunted,
By something so beautiful?
Do you think he's ever seen you?
He closes his eyes,
When you kiss,
When you touch,
When you fuck.
Now you tell me,
Why do you think that is?
You teach ABC's,
I speak the words of the soul.
You won,
But did you really?
I'll always be there,
Taking up the space you want.
So tell me,
How long does it take to die?
Loving a man who loves me?

They Will All Eventually Have Titles

Tell me who you are.
Tell me what makes you tick.
Do you like the sound of rain?
Or do you prefer the sun?
Do you eat dessert for breakfast?
Or breakfast for dinner?
Is coffee what you crave in the morning?
Or is your first thought a nicotine fix?
Do you sleep peacefully?
Or do you lay awake tormented?
Do your skeletons dance in the closet?
Or do ghosts hide under your bed?
Do you prefer the storm?
Or revel in the stars?
What do you need to get through your day?
And do you think I could ever be one of those things?

Quit Appropriating Rape Culture

Pull your skirt down,
Pull your shirt up.
Don't ask for it.
Keep your mouth shut,
Not too many opinions.
Don't ask for it.
Cut your music down,
Play something softer.
Don't ask for it.
Don't wear red lipstick,
How about pink instead?
Don't ask for it.
You can't say that,
Those aren't appropriate words for women.
Don't ask for it.
Have more self-respect,
You can't post that.
Don't ask for it.
You can't smoke that,
Put that bottle down.
Don't ask for it.
You can't be friends with her,
They call her a slut.
Don't ask for it.
Don't sleep with that guy.
Don't be seen with this one.
Don't ask for it.

What Happened to You?

You call, I answer.
I know what you want.
You come and we sneak upstairs.
Children seeking shelter in the night.
You kiss me.
And I smell it on your breath.
You hands find their way
Underneath my clothes.
And I sense it in your clumsiness.
We undress and you stumble.
You find me through your drug induced haze.
We lay together and you don't say much.
Sleep finds you.
And I find myself,
Crying on your shoulder.
Wondering why we have such different
ideas on what it means to feel alive.

Feel Me Up

There you are,
Standing before me,
Glowing in the moonlight.
You take my hands,
Stained with the smell of weed and peanut butter.
Lift them to your face,
You kiss them.
I shiver.
You kiss me.
I melt.
Your hands reach around me.
Tender and soft and longing.
These hands,
Will not be forgotten.

Come Here, Darling

Come here,
let our eyes meet.
Come here,
watch me drink you in.
Come here,
let me feel your face.
Come here,
watch me grab your hair.
Come here,
let your lips and my lips
become good friends.
Come here,
watch my mouth kiss the tattoos
that decorate your body.
Come here,
let me show you where your
fingers fit.
Come here,
watch the affect you have on me.
Come here,
let me position my body
underneath yours.
Come here,
watch you enter me.