One From a Look Through Time Two Years Ago

Final things I think you should know: I don't know if this will be my last message, I would like to give you peace of mind and say yes, but it probably wouldn't be true. You know, this whole time I kept thinking that it was just about finding the right words. Words that would touch your heart. But here's something I think you'll care more about. The actual story. I bother you because I miss you. That plain and simple and selfish. And not the person you were a year ago, not the person you were when we were together, the person you are right now, in this very moment. Have you ever missed someone so much that you can feel it inside you, you can feel it in every bone in your body, every beat your heart makes. And I keep thinking if I could say one thing to you, one thing you heard, what would it be? And the two things that come to mind are so basic, I've said them to you before, you've said them to me, and we've said them to other people. But maybe, just this once you'll hear my voice, and the sincerity behind my words. You know there's this quote by Rumi and it says "you have to keep breaking your heart til it opens." I was in a thrift store today looking at books and I lost it, then again, I lose it everywhere. But I was thinking about being that giant bookstore in Georgia and wanting and wishing more than anything in the whole world that you were there with me. I know as soon as I got home that day I apologized to you for whatever we weren't getting along for. I remember that overwhelming feeling of love, even in the middle of this argument. And in that moment today, my heart shattered, not shattered the way it did the day I left but shattered open. There were things that I didn't even realize til today that I should be apologizing for and I'm sure there are things you can think of that I still don't realize I need to apologize for. So for every single fight we had, I'll take blame, I'm sorry, every time I message you, I'm sorry, every time I ever made you feel inadequate, I'm sorry, every time you think something terrible about you or me, I'm sorry. Originally, I wanted a chance to explain. I thought if you could hear my side of things, it'd make sense to you, and honestly, it probably would, but I don't care about that anymore, I quit caring about my explanations a while ago, they don't matter, all that matters is I'm so fucking sorry. I've had various thoughts ruminating in my head these past few day. By not coming back, are you also punishing yourself? For being a "bona fide loser." Did you not going back have anything to do with me and my presence being here? Do you think I wouldn't like you anymore? Do you think I'd try to make you quit drugs? So here's the second thing I think you should know. I don't care what you've done, I don't care what kind of state you think you're in, I don't care who you think you are or what's left of you or who you've become. I love you. I loved who you were, I love who you are right now, and I love who you're going to become. Love isn't based on circumstance, I don't love you as long as your personality stays that way, I love you, regardless of all else. Without strings, without conditions, and love covers all wrongs. I will always love you, no matter what. I'm sorry and I love you. Shitty line, not well written but wholeheartedly true. Now there is something I would like to give you an explanation for, not because I feel the need to but because I think you deserve it. I know you say it started to feel like you were walking on eggshells and here's why. I don't know if you can remember this but when we first got together, you and Andrew had had a falling out or something, and you guys weren't hanging out. But you started up again. And do realize how fucking stupid this is about to sound. I know you know that you and Andrew bring out the immature in each other, and that's how you were acting, not towards me but in general. And it was starting to get under my skin, and I was trying so hard not to say anything because I didn't want you to even consider quitting Andrew to make me happy. I should've talked to you about it, but I didn't and I guess those feelings came out in other ways. And when you were talking about coming back, you kept asking for proof that I would stay. And I didn't know how to give you that. But I know now. My biggest fear was living without you. And now I am, and I can honestly say it is hell on Earth, pure unadulterated hell. And there is nothing in this world that would ever make me willingly pick this. I know you said that I'm the one that created this hole inside you, but I'm also, the only one that can fill it. I want to. My offer will always stand. I will always love you, always want you.