One that Never Got Finished

We are all just atoms,

circling around the Earth. 

Bumping into each other. 

We are just clusters of cells,

rejuvenating in the hopes

it will give us a fresh start.

We are every night,

we stayed up too late,

because another force in this

universe made us feel like we 

couldn't sleep.

We are just the coffee we 

drink and the things we read.

We are every feeling and 

every emotion,

trapped inside of us,

dying for air. 

We are just bits of stardust,

trying to find our way back into space.  

Unanswered Questions

Do you love me?
Eagerly, all-consuming?
Do you crave my touch?
Dream of my kiss?
Do you whisper my name?
When you’re alone?
In hopes I’ll show up?
Could you survive inside?
Without me?
Or do you love me lightly?
Do I make a pretty center-piece?
To your life?
Does my food taste good?
Do I feel warm?
Am I home every night?
Am I welcoming?
A comfortable place?
To lay your head?

Dead End Celebrations

Why is it,
that I only crave you
when I'm fucked up?
So high, you're the
only thing I can see.
Blitzed out of my
fucking mind,
so my world revolves
solely around you.
Can't sleep and
my head is
filled with thoughts
of you.
Touch me, feel me,
need me.
Take me all the way up,
until I come down,
and see the real you.

Soul Sucking Jobs

More time.
More effort.
More.
Time.
More.
Effort.
More.
Time.
More.
Effort.
Your feelings?
Irrelevant.
Your personal life?
Nonexistent.
Ass in seat.
Blurry face.
Say nothing.
Be nobody.
Make less than everybody else.
Sell your soul.
What you do is important.
If you don't do it, someone else will.

Seven Promises

Here is a list in my notes of seven promises I made to Grant when we first started dating. Seven promises he never got to hear, an unfinished piece of work, and why I failed at half of them. One, I promise to love you honestly and wholeheartedly. This is one thing I can honestly say I didn't fail at. I have always only had eyes for Grant and only pursued him. I wouldn't be here if that wasn't where I was at. If that's not where you're at, save yourself the trouble and leave. I promise to always remember that you are a human with feelings and emotions and always treat you as such. This one comes with its own personal struggles. It's hard to take someone's feelings and emotions into account when they are not keen on discussing their feelings and emotions. It's hard to build that level of understanding of someone's heart when it's made out to be this giant secret. In short, I don't always succeed at this. However, over the years, I do honestly think this is the most considerate I have ever been. I came from very selfish beginnings so everything is a process. I promise to always make an effort to meet you in the middle. This is also a tricky one. As it turns out, meeting in the middle means different things to different people. My idea of meeting in the middle is attempting to get over arguments and attempting to forgive in a timely manner. Grant's idea of meeting in the middle is the ability to apologize first. Turns out, we need to meet in the middle on what meeting in the middle means to each of us. Once again, I come from very humble beginnings. Fights are weeks long and apologies are nonexistent. The ability to quickly move on with an apology given to me, seems like a pretty sweet deal to me. I didn't come from a very forgiving family and sometimes it's really hard to leave your past behind. Once again, I failed here. Fourth, I promise to always respect and honor you even when you're not around. This one is fifty-fifty, like a half fail. I do not trash talk to other people. I do not speak bad on Grant's name. I used to have an argument friend. One friend who I would vent to if we were in an argument, but as a general rule, do not shit talk your partner to others. It's poison to any healthy relationship. However, to his face? There has definitely been some nasty name calling. Name calling is not an always and it's not a constant, but it is hard to forget when it does rear it's nasty head. How do you successfully argue when angry? Someone figure that out and let me know. I promise to always appreciate time with you. This, I actually do. I love spending time together. I love movie nights, dinner dates, and car rides when they are filled with actual conversation. I appreciate time with Grant because I know how many years I lost, let me say that again, I personally lost. As in, moments where I threw away years. That's an awful feeling. I promise to be your best friend always. I can honestly say, beyond a shadow of a doubt, Grant is my best friend. There is no one else I share my life with in that way. Grant is the first on any news, the first opinion I ask, and normally the only that matters. And lastly, I promise to be considerate of how much you do for me and not take you for granted. Here, I can say I do appreciate the things that Grant does for me physically. Everyone appreciates ice cold water and a made bed and a warm towel. The problem here is, Grant thinks that should make me happy. It's a very lovely gesture, but it's not a cover up for discussing actual emotional things and it's not a cover up for someone who is genuinely happy with their lives, and someone is genuinely happy to see you. Physically though, man is grade A. Emotionally, I think he could use some help.

If Alcohol were Georgia, and I was the Moon.

At the end of it all, 

no matter how many good days, 

bad days, 

amazing days. 

Everything will always be tainted. 

No matter how many other words you fix to me,

Wife, mother, lover,

Almost will always follow, 

hiding in the shadows. 

I will always be, 

the girl you almost loved 

more than anything. 

The woman who almost, 

meant the world to you. 

The thing you almost, 

attached yourself to. 

The person you almost let in.

The one who almost got picked. 

But barriers run deep and long,

You pick your priorities, 

and I convince myself what I can live with. 

You dig both of our graves. 

Because you, 

You will always be the man, 

I almost completely forgave.

The man I almost believed.

The man who almost convinced me

of how much they loved me.

The one who almost showed me,

how true their love was. 

And as the days go by, 

the will turn to years, 

and we will have a whole life,

built on the foundation of almosts. 

Temporarily Untitled

I crave you in a way you have never been
craved before.
I love you in a way you have never been
loved before.
I long to feel your hands around my throat.
Your nails digging into my flesh,
red on white.
I long to feel wrapped up in your arms.
Rub my back, dip your mouth towards
my ear.
Whisper sweet nothings
that mean everything.
Wrap my legs around your waist.
Your chest pressing into my chest.
Your bed always a warm invitation.
Your heart, always open.
Trace my tattoo with your fingers,
read to me so your voice fills the air.
Hold my hand in public, but push me up
against the car.
Your tongue welcomes mine,
stare at me just become.
My favorite show.
Sweet words filling my phone, my
senses, my day.
Love me in a way I have never been loved before.