One Actually Wrote Today

In the end,
isn’t this what you wanted?
Passion you control.
A moment you hand pick,
for the ending.
You wait.
And wait.
And wait.
The perfect excuse eventually
presents itself.
Emotional damage with
your name on it.
You bring my darkest fears
to the surface.
The surface of this
battleground you created.
One where you hurt me,
and I stand in the spot,
where you once stood.
You’re gone now, though.
Of course you are.
Nowhere to be found.
Because you ran away.
I just can’t anymore.
I’ve been through too much.
I don’t know who I am right now.
All lines that ring familiar
from you.
And I’m left,
Waiting,
And waiting,
And waiting.
You never come back.

One for the First Person to Ever Have My Heart

Hey nugget, what are you doing? So I know you think you're almost grown now and you don't need help with your life but I get to say it anyways because, frankly, this is my blog and I can write whatever the fuck I want to.
On men:
Sweetheart, if a man ever says he'll stay faithful to you as long as you are willing to put out. RUN. Run so far away. Never date a man that doesn't have a hobby. You don't need a man that hasn't committed to anything since his fourth grade art project. And same to you. Writing, art, and photography never go out of style, always keep at least one hobby. Any man who calls you a slut or a whore, will never ever love you the way you want to be loved. Let it go. Never date a man who betrays his own friends. If he can't even watch out for the people who have his back, why would he look out for you. If he is disrespectful to your momma, he does not respect you. If a man doesn't want you, what have you always heard? That's fine, because another one does and probably a hell of a lot more. Darling, never hold on to things that aren't meant for you because then you will never find what you are looking for.
On Friends:
This is a subject very near and dear to my heart. Few things in life are more important than good friends. You'll know you're on the right track because spending time with them will send you home with a warm feeling in the pit of your stomach. Or, here's an easier way to tell. Who is around you when you need someone? Who supports you when your shit hits the fan? Or another way to tell. Who can get you drunk and also take care of you and makes sure you get home safe? The easiest way to tell? If you need someone, someone to talk to, someone to come get you, someone to do you a favor and you won't call them, there's probably a reason for that. They're not worth the hassle. Let it go. Great friends have a way of making the worst mistakes livable. You'll know when you meet the ones worth holding on to. You'll just know. You don't have to do something because everyone else is doing it. Sometimes the one who doesn't do it, is the one worth noticing the most. When I was high school, this guy decided to quit smoking. Every time he would hang out with his friends, they would all be smoking and he would pass. He liked his own music, had his own thoughts, and read his own books. Let me tell you, I noticed that boy every day of single from the time we were in seventh until we graduated as seniors.
On Yourself:
Never ever fail to look up at the sky. Every time you walk outside, look up. You're either looking up to feel the rain on your face, looking up to see how blue the sky is, looking up to see the stars, or looking up to find the moon. Either way, it is always worth it. Always be able to tell people about yourself. What's my favorite movie? Everyone collectively say it together: PULP FICTION. Always know the things that put you in touch with yourself and the things that make you feel close to home. It is always an asset to know who you are. Intelligence will never be ugly. Intelligence will always be sexy. Never let anyone dumb you down and never choose to let your intelligence go by the wayside and quit learning for someone. Always strive to be like John. Always be someone who makes time for your friends, always be supportive, but also know your boundaries. Know what you need for yourself. Being a smartass will always amuse somebody. Even if that person is you (or me). Always take care of yourself, because no one will do it for you. Music will always hit where you need it to and if all else fails, the most important thing is Gilmore Girls. Life only comes around once, sweetie. Don't waste it.

I Adore You Darling

What is love?
If not made of moments,
where one person proves
their knowledge of the other.
Moments where one is sad,
and one comforts.
Moments where two people
come to the same place everyday,
and call it home.
Moments where real things
build one on top of the other,
until our whole world is real.
Moments where two people
vow to call each other first
when news arrives.
Moments where you climb on top of me
And I know what it feels like
to lose all control.
Moments where two people
occupy space in each other's mind.
Little moments where I look at you
and you are already staring at me.
What is love?
If not all the moments
where I have come from you?
All the moments where
you lean into my ear and
whisper the dirtiest of dirty things,
so I forget what I was trying
to order.
Moments where you whisper
my name in the dark silence of night.
What is love?
If not you and I.

I Hate Me So That Means You Too

Shug,

What are you doing? Probably something stupid? Me too. If I had a dollar for every time I have said you intentionally self-destruct, I could pay for a plane ticket to not be here anymore. I have spent so much time calling you out on this that I forgot something. I do it too. I also continuously and for no apparent reason fuck up my life. So right now, I hate us both. You haven't actually done anything to me but I'm feeling pretty angry right now so you get to be the other target. Is that why you picked her? Is it just another way for you to destroy yourself? The other night me and my, I don't know what you call her, had a fight and it was stupid and pointless and now it's just this crazy explosive thing that went too far. And it's like when something goes to far, there's no turning back. Just sitting around waiting on someone to determine the next moment in your life? And I just hate so much that I did this, I did not mean to do this. Sitting around, pretending you don't grow more and more sick to your stomach, as hour by hour passes. Did I ever make you feel this way? Is this sick karmic retribution? I just wanted to be happy and now? I get to be alone and you still get to be with crazy. Which one of us better off? I feel so disgusted with myself. Can you relate? You get to have someone else in her bed and I get to feel like complete dirt. I wish you were here to tell me what to do. I wish you were here to tell me it's going to be okay and she's going to come through.

Here's to hoping you're in a better place in life than me.

Words Don't Mean Anything When You Don't Even Say Them

Hey shug,
I know I haven't wrote to you in a while, but honestly, I just haven't had anything to say. I do think you are the only other person I know who has such a knack for self-destruction. So this is kinda to be expected. I don't know why we do it either. Sometimes I just want to run away and start over. Every time I pour my heart out to someone and they just sit there. Every time they say just the bare minimum to keep me around. Every time they leave me blatantly hurting. My heart closes just a little more. And eventually, one day it won't open at all. But who the hell would even notice. How is it possible that I just continually end up in one-sided love affairs where the only person who doesn't get off scot free, is me? Then I remember if I ran, I would just spend my days crying because I missed that dang baby. So I stay. Stay, looking for the kind of love I have never received in return. Hoping against all hope that will somehow be the one person destined to give a fuck about me. And nothing ever changes, the people might look like they get better and better on paper, but damn, do they all hurt the same. And everyone does it. All of them. No matter how much I love them, they just ignore all the words on words on words I spew out and say a whole bunch of nothing in return. Is this the cruelty of my life? Was I an awful person in another world? I just hope you're doing a hell of a lot better than me.

One That Hurt

Hello ex-lover.
And by ex-lover, I really mean
girl who thinks she deserves
another chance.
And by another chance,
I mean,
I think I'm falling for you again.
Falling down into your depths.
Depths as in,
Will you save me?
Or will you let the mermaids
sing their song?
Lure me right into hell.
Hell, where every inch of me
burns.
Burns after the sting of your
rejection.
Burns like watching you pour
gasoline on a fire,
that I'm sitting too close to.
And all you have to do is
reach out your hand,
And pull me a few feet away.
Like watching you,
Glass trapped in between us.
And all you have to do,
is pick up a rock and
smash it.
Fall into my arms,
And we'll fall into your bed.
Where we can spend forever,
Arms wrapped up in arms,
legs wrapped in legs.
Wrapped up, until you kick me out.
And by kick me out I mean
you never let me in,
in the first place.
Never let me in like have you
ever cared about any girl?
Or all we all just something you collect.
Our feelings bottled up on your shelves.
Fuck ours, I mean mine.
My feelings on your shelves.
where they begged to be touched
by you.
And you forgot they exist.

Love Doesn't Care How Pretty Your Life Is

Angel,

Let me hear how hard your heart beats

at my appearance.

Let me feel how you shake in

anticipation. 

Look at me with your bedroom eyes,

And I pray they never look anywhere else. 

Let me feel your breath 

whispering against my skin.

Let me feel how you feel,

when your body meets mine. 

One on top of the other, 

skin to skin. 

Your fingers finding

their way inside. 

Let me feel how what you felt

falling in love with me for

the first time. 

There is never a good time for

someone to enter your life. 

There is never a good time

for someone to interrupt your chaos. 

Never easy to learn one plus 

one makes two.

It is never easy to let someone see 

you for the wreck you feel like you are. 

But everyone has two options here, 

let it in your life, to hell with inconvenience, 

Or spend every day wishing you had.