30 Day Challenge, Day Five: Things You Want to Say to an Ex

To an Ex, but an unexpected one,
I could never say anything to you again and be totally fine. I harbor no issues or unresolved things with you. However, you love to point out areas where you feel like people don't add up, so I guess it takes two to tango. First of all, if you decide upon self-improvement as a means to make yourself more appealing in your new relationship, then it loses it's sincerity. Self-improvement comes from within, not as a means to getting laid by your new girl. Acting out and doing things malicious in nature will always be a stain on how you portray yourself. Next, using your faith as an act of being better than someone, condemning someone is not true faith. You never have the right to condemn people to hell, and when you do, you're just proving that you're not strong and secure in your faith because you're obviously confused on some things. You cannot tell someone they're sinning and they will pay for it, while you're out sleeping with anything that has two legs. You're just trying to get some and they're just trying to find true happiness while not hurting anyone, so which of you is actually worse? Being a decent human being applies all the time, you can't go out of your way to hurt people, simply because you didn't get your way. That is not how this works. You can't be a good person half the time, it's all or nothing, sweetie. But actually, I do hope you find happiness, and true love because those are the things that make a life. Those are the things that change people.

30 Day Challenge, Day Three: A Book You Love

Let's be real, like many things in life, I am totally enthralled by reading. I adore books, and think they are the easiest way to learn, to grow, to be someone different. If you ever find that you are not impressed with who you are, pick up a book, you'll be different by the time you're done, if it's good enough. I think I'll discuss a few and see where this goes, since everything I write is almost always pure stream of consciousness anyways. My all time favorite book is and will be forevermore Sailor and Lula, The Complete Novels. I love this story so much, my daughter will be named after it. Barry Gifford does something so magical to me. Even though Sailor and Lula end up having all these crazy, outlandish adventures, you feel as if they could happen to you, happen to anyone, if only you had the right partner. Maybe the point isn't to have such insane things occur, but to be with someone who makes you feel as if anything of those things could be possible. My whole life, all I ever wanted was for someone to take my hand and lead me far far away, to run away with me. All I yearned for was that feeling, that Sailor and Lula feeling. They're not some romanticized, perfect, love story, they're actually white trash mediocre. They're on the run, poor, smoking hooligans staying in seedy hotels. Everything your parents warn you against, but happy with each other and just being wild and free. This books somehow manages to embody love and freedom, two things that sum up everything I have ever cared about in life. Next on the list is a book I find lots of people are disappointed in. I love Looking for Alaska, I think it is the best thing John Green has ever written. I think The Fault In Our Stars is incredibly overrated, the most average thing I've seen. However, Looking For Alaska, a true masterpiece. Alaska is every girl suffering from severe depression, trying to find answers, stumbling around, looking for temporary happiness in thrills, trying to avoid ruining others because deep down you know you're a walking disaster. And Pudge is just is the guy who thinks she's a mystery. It's a book that portrays a romanticized image, only to rip that image away from you. It's like a train running right at you, and you know it's coming, and you are powerless to stop it. It's a book to read when you need answers, not because you get them, but because you don't. Following, we have my favorite author, Tony O'Neill. The walking, talking definition of underrated. Tony O'Neill is vile and disgusting, and not for the weak-hearted, or maybe even the weak of stomach. But there's always something to be found in the disgusting. My personal favorite, Down and Out on Murder Mile, a true story. It begins, have you ever loved anything as much as Tony loves drugs? Probably not. To pimp his wife at the time out for drugs and to get raging mad when she won't suck a guy off to fuel their habit, to not care about her or anything else. But what is the strongest force on Earth? Love. He says something to the effect of, I know I'd have to quit or she'd have to start. He talks about his choices not being between his wife or the girl he is in love with, because that's really no choice at all. But a decision between a life with drugs, or a change in the normal, the seemingly impossible, a life without drugs. All of this has come from memory so I don't recall the exact date this book was completed, but Tony O'Neill has been clean ever since, and is still married to the girl he fell in love with. And is still completely, so fucking rad. He didn't lose anything by getting clean, but gained a writing career, a wife, and a daughter. A book to embody hope.

30 Day Challenge, Day Two: Something You Feel Strongly About

The obvious answer here is politics, a topic I think all Americans should feel strongly about. We are entering into uncertain times. Times some people are joyous over, and some are deeply saddened by. If you know me at all, you know, I'm avidly against Trump. I don't think electing a reality star who has absolutely no political background and can't seem to take anything seriously, was a good idea. I don't think a president who attacks public figures, Meryl Streep, Arnold Schwarzenegger, etc. was a good idea. I don't think a president who runs to social media when they've had a bad day, like a twelve year girl was a good idea. I don't think a president who doesn't advocate actively for Planned Parenthood, although none of the money they receive from the government goes to abortions, is a bad idea. I think a president who hires a woman who has no experience in education, knows nothing about public schools, and is wanting to take money from them to give to private schools, is a bad idea. America has already dropped down on the totem pole. We are no longer the smartest, most intelligent country in the world, however, we still act as if we are. I don't think a president who signs executive orders as a means to bypass Congress is a good idea. I don't think a president who tries to ban people from a country based on the idea of freedom and welcoming, is a good idea. I don't think a president who makes white supremacists feel empowered is a good idea. A president who makes derogatory comments about woman is not a good idea. A president who is perceived as a racist is not a good idea. A president who divides a country so strongly is not a good idea. America is country where minorities, people of color, women, have had to fight for their rights, ancestors who gained the right to be equal, and now to live in a society where they feel they are not equal. The LGBTQIA+ community feeling as if they are in danger, is not good. Here in America, we take care of our own. We take care of everyone equally, because we're all different here. A president who doesn't find that important is something I can't see supporting.

30 Day Challenge, Day One: Five Ways to Win Your Heart

I think as we grow up and older, the things that matter to us change. The things that make us stop and take notice of people begin to differ, especially in such uncertain times and with a divided society. I think the first thing to win my heart is kindness, which sounds absurd and standard, but you see so many people, not even necessarily mean, just caught up in their own lives and world. People often forget to notice that the person beside them needs help, whether they intentionally forget because it's convenient for them, or they literally just cannot see it. I think the second thing is humor. A common thing most people say, but I think humor is a little different to everyone, and you're using a little word to sum up a lot of meaning. You want someone who can make you laugh, genuinely laugh because they said something you found funny. You want someone who understand when you make a joke, without you having to explain it to them. Someone who can take your smart-ass comments and handle them and know that's just a part of who you are and knows better than to take you seriously. Someone who shares the things you're lighthearted about and sees the world the way you do. Third would be someone who has the ability to apologize. Apologizing is not and never will be one of my personal strong suits, so it's something I highly value in other people. The ability to apologize means you have someone who can admit they're wrong, someone who can step up and end a fight, someone who knows the value of stepping down, someone who is willing to put their pride aside to keep you. It's a sure fire way to show someone that they're worth it to you. I think the fourth thing I value in a person is passion. Why would you want someone who cares deeply about nothing? You want someone who can speak life into something. I care about many things deeply and intensely and they are very essential to the core of who I am as a person. I don't want someone who is so uninterested and involved in life. It's what we are, alive. And passion makes it clear as to why. The final thing is a bit hard for me to decide on, but I thing it's someone who compliments you. Yes, compliments. All people need someone who feeds them. I don't mean telling someone they're pretty everyday, I mean yes, but more than that, being able to tell someone that you love them, and they're doing a good job. There will be things in life your partner will work on and work towards and it's important to have someone acknowledging that. Yes, I see you and I see what you're doing. You're not being ignored, and you're effort is not unnoticed. I appreciate you and you matter.

One For My Inner Orphan

I know there are days when you don't know, many days, most days when you don't belong. And it's okay. Just because you've never felt at home somewhere doesn't mean that things can't still happen for you. Just because you don't feel understood doesn't mean that people don't care for you. Just because you don't have a home yet doesn't mean that you will never get one, and until then there is appreciation to be had in all the in between places. There are many things still open to you, things you haven't done yet, seen yet, said yet. It's okay to tell your sadness to pack up its shit and leave, and it's also okay if you don't yet seem quite able to do that. Life isn't a competition and once you find your home, it will be great, beyond anything you could've dreamed.

One That Is a Part of the Story + When The Realization Hit

Sailor sat, black cotton shorts and old white t-shirt, feet propped up on the desk, Boston record playing Amanda softly in the background. The girl sitting quietly, obviously deep in her own thoughts. As these thoughts run through her head, a realization starts to form in her head. She loves him, without fault, without question, and coupled with the absolute certainty that in some space or time or universe, they will belong together. Before any actual effort comes from such a realization, the girl is interrupted by a figure standing in her door. A girl, skinny as a rail, and a hundred pounds soaking wet, with the whitest white blonde hair hanging halfway down her back. "Hey, are you ready to go?"

"Oh, sure I guess. Where are we going, Kenzie?"

"Dinner, of course. I'm starving."

"Ok, let's go."

Sailor sat in the car, music playing softly in the background. She had been planning to write Mason a letter for four years now. It had been three months since their friendship had come to an abrupt end. Turns out, unrequited love really does get in the way. The idea in her head of being in a bar, sitting counter, listening to the band. All of a sudden, a man sidles up to the counter and takes a seat. She glances over and it's him, Mason, same red hair, same soft smile, but now in a man's body. However, his idea was more immediate. High school sweethearts, marriage, but Sailor could never shake the feeling that they weren't ready for that. Him, too immature. Her, too broken. Eventually, such different ideas caused such a big rift. But now what? She had to go through with it. She had to write that letter. She had to take the chance, even if nothing happened. Sailor was never one for sitting back and doing nothing.

One That Went a Bit More In Depth, But Mostly Stream of Consciousness

"Why do you do this?", he asked. "Why are you so hell-bent on destroying everything, why do you live to see your life in flames?"

"I don't know," she said.

"Are you scared?"

"No."

"Who the hell fucked you out so bad that you feel the need to destroy good things. You can't ever leave things alone. Maybe you think you don't deserve happy things. Maybe you're just that damn scared of getting hurt. So fucking fearful that you can't even begin to accept a relationship with anyone without attempting to self-destruct. Did he do this to you? Did he fuck you up so bad that no one will ever be able to reach you again? Do you hate yourself? Because you don't hate me."

"Maybe no one cares enough to try. No single human being will ever again care enough to put in that type of effort. People want efficient and people want easy. If you're difficult, if you're not open enough, talkative enough, quiet enough, happy enough, all of a sudden, you're not good enough. People are willing to put in enough effort to give themselves an A+, to get a high from trying to save you. They want a little bit of effort and then a lot of cracking. Well, I can't crack, not for you, not for me, not for anybody. I cracked once, just the once, and I don't think I was ever quite whole again. There are so many things inside of me so completely broken, and I'm not entirely sure there will ever be any way to fix me. I self-destruct and ruin because I know no other way. I don't know how to put faith in a person, to believe them without doubt, to trust their ability to stay. People are fickle, never a sure thing, unless that sure thing is the complete and total capacity to fuck you up."