Happy birthday,
Dear shug, just like last year, I'm a little early to this party. But happy birthday! Here's to your twenty-second! Here's the part where I would say that I hope you're doing well, but instead I think I'll say, I am so proud of you. I am so fucking proud of you. You've come a long way. You work so hard and it's phenomenal. You are so smart even if you don't always feel that way hahaha. I have complete and total faith in you as a human. I'm sure that doesn't mean much, but I truly think you are at a place where you're doing wonderful and it's only up hill from you. You have made my life so happy.I am so genuinely appreciative to be your friend. I just want your life to be filled with the things that make you happy. I can't wait to see where your life takes you and I hope there will continue to be a place for me in it. I never could've predicted our paths would entwine again. There's this thing my pastor said one time, "What am I doing that only makes sense because of Jesus? ...Do more of that." The point is that some things in life are so out of this world, so large that coincidence doesn't cover it, so crazy that the atoms themselves pushed it together. Things that remind of us miracles. That's your presence in my life. It makes no sense to me why I get to have you around and it's the biggest blessing I have ever seen. I hope you around for the long haul Mase. I really missed you. I tell you all the time, behavior is societal. If you were born in Africa, your behavior would be much different than being raised an America boy. But, I truly think the inside of who we are is always the same. I have always been impressed with the inside of you. And the inside of you has always made me feel known as a person. You are the first person to ever teach me what love was, to teach me how to write, and on the flip side, to teach me what true heartbreak was. We're not kids anymore and we're finally growing up. It makes me so happy to be able to watch you live your life and figure things out. Here's to hoping I'll be around on your next birthday. I truly am so excited to have a role in your life. Watching you move makes me so happy. Happy birthday shug, you really are doing amazing.
Sunday, June 9, 2019
Monday, March 25, 2019
Hollow and Holes
Watch me
Fuck my way through
Man after man
Just trying to meet you again
Everyone finding their way
Inside me
Hoping they'll hit my heart
Everyone filling me up
While I stills stay empty
My dead eyes stare at them
And from on top of me
They stare right through me
They go faster and faster
And I feel less and less
They find their satisfaction
And I find my mind
Wandering to you
Do you feel nothing
As deeply as I feel it
Or would you be willing
To feel something with me
Fuck my way through
Man after man
Just trying to meet you again
Everyone finding their way
Inside me
Hoping they'll hit my heart
Everyone filling me up
While I stills stay empty
My dead eyes stare at them
And from on top of me
They stare right through me
They go faster and faster
And I feel less and less
They find their satisfaction
And I find my mind
Wandering to you
Do you feel nothing
As deeply as I feel it
Or would you be willing
To feel something with me
Monday, February 25, 2019
I Needed to Know What Love Wasn't, To See What Love Was
You're a slut, whore,
what a spoiled bitch.
Yes, get closer to my face.
Scream even louder,
even closer still.
Block all the exits,
stop my escape.
Watch my burn in
the living hell I chose.
Laugh when bad things
come my way,
Cause it's what I deserve.
Only nice when my skirt gets
shorter,
and my top gets lower.
Intimidate me,
to get your way.
Then fuck me like you
hate me.
And one time I had to ask him
if he even knew what love was.
But she already knew.
When I lay down to sleep,
and her whole soul
wraps around me.
Give me a kiss,
no wait,
make it fifty.
Sweet, tender,
I adore you.
Are you okay?
A million times yes.
No need to leave found here.
Beautiful, gorgeous, sexy
no cleavage required for
this party.
Let me find you in the darkness,
let me take care of you.
Sometimes, things are found
in the mot unsuspecting of places.
what a spoiled bitch.
Yes, get closer to my face.
Scream even louder,
even closer still.
Block all the exits,
stop my escape.
Watch my burn in
the living hell I chose.
Laugh when bad things
come my way,
Cause it's what I deserve.
Only nice when my skirt gets
shorter,
and my top gets lower.
Intimidate me,
to get your way.
Then fuck me like you
hate me.
And one time I had to ask him
if he even knew what love was.
But she already knew.
When I lay down to sleep,
and her whole soul
wraps around me.
Give me a kiss,
no wait,
make it fifty.
Sweet, tender,
I adore you.
Are you okay?
A million times yes.
No need to leave found here.
Beautiful, gorgeous, sexy
no cleavage required for
this party.
Let me find you in the darkness,
let me take care of you.
Sometimes, things are found
in the mot unsuspecting of places.
Wednesday, February 20, 2019
Like Holy Water But of the Devil
You will always be
the evil thing in my story,
the thing I needed saving from,
the life I narrowly escaped.
But aren't we all,
someone's bad guy?
I have been,
the one who ruined,
a fifteen year friendship,
the reason he started using,
the reason he left her,
the reason he hurt himself,
the last thing he saw,
before he ended up in the hospital.
Were you my atonement?
Cleansing my soul of sins,
the horrible thing,
to make me feel like a saint?
The soul crushing entity,
to make me learn to forgive myself.
Just what I needed,
to awaken anew.
the evil thing in my story,
the thing I needed saving from,
the life I narrowly escaped.
But aren't we all,
someone's bad guy?
I have been,
the one who ruined,
a fifteen year friendship,
the reason he started using,
the reason he left her,
the reason he hurt himself,
the last thing he saw,
before he ended up in the hospital.
Were you my atonement?
Cleansing my soul of sins,
the horrible thing,
to make me feel like a saint?
The soul crushing entity,
to make me learn to forgive myself.
Just what I needed,
to awaken anew.
Sunday, January 27, 2019
One Actually Wrote Today
In the end,
isn’t this what you wanted?
Passion you control.
A moment you hand pick,
for the ending.
You wait.
And wait.
And wait.
The perfect excuse eventually
presents itself.
Emotional damage with
your name on it.
You bring my darkest fears
to the surface.
The surface of this
battleground you created.
One where you hurt me,
and I stand in the spot,
where you once stood.
You’re gone now, though.
Of course you are.
Nowhere to be found.
Because you ran away.
I just can’t anymore.
I’ve been through too much.
I don’t know who I am right now.
All lines that ring familiar
from you.
And I’m left,
Waiting,
And waiting,
And waiting.
You never come back.
isn’t this what you wanted?
Passion you control.
A moment you hand pick,
for the ending.
You wait.
And wait.
And wait.
The perfect excuse eventually
presents itself.
Emotional damage with
your name on it.
You bring my darkest fears
to the surface.
The surface of this
battleground you created.
One where you hurt me,
and I stand in the spot,
where you once stood.
You’re gone now, though.
Of course you are.
Nowhere to be found.
Because you ran away.
I just can’t anymore.
I’ve been through too much.
I don’t know who I am right now.
All lines that ring familiar
from you.
And I’m left,
Waiting,
And waiting,
And waiting.
You never come back.
Tuesday, January 22, 2019
One for the First Person to Ever Have My Heart
Hey nugget, what are you doing? So I know you think you're almost grown now and you don't need help with your life but I get to say it anyways because, frankly, this is my blog and I can write whatever the fuck I want to.
On men:
Sweetheart, if a man ever says he'll stay faithful to you as long as you are willing to put out. RUN. Run so far away. Never date a man that doesn't have a hobby. You don't need a man that hasn't committed to anything since his fourth grade art project. And same to you. Writing, art, and photography never go out of style, always keep at least one hobby. Any man who calls you a slut or a whore, will never ever love you the way you want to be loved. Let it go. Never date a man who betrays his own friends. If he can't even watch out for the people who have his back, why would he look out for you. If he is disrespectful to your momma, he does not respect you. If a man doesn't want you, what have you always heard? That's fine, because another one does and probably a hell of a lot more. Darling, never hold on to things that aren't meant for you because then you will never find what you are looking for.
On Friends:
This is a subject very near and dear to my heart. Few things in life are more important than good friends. You'll know you're on the right track because spending time with them will send you home with a warm feeling in the pit of your stomach. Or, here's an easier way to tell. Who is around you when you need someone? Who supports you when your shit hits the fan? Or another way to tell. Who can get you drunk and also take care of you and makes sure you get home safe? The easiest way to tell? If you need someone, someone to talk to, someone to come get you, someone to do you a favor and you won't call them, there's probably a reason for that. They're not worth the hassle. Let it go. Great friends have a way of making the worst mistakes livable. You'll know when you meet the ones worth holding on to. You'll just know. You don't have to do something because everyone else is doing it. Sometimes the one who doesn't do it, is the one worth noticing the most. When I was high school, this guy decided to quit smoking. Every time he would hang out with his friends, they would all be smoking and he would pass. He liked his own music, had his own thoughts, and read his own books. Let me tell you, I noticed that boy every day of single from the time we were in seventh until we graduated as seniors.
On Yourself:
Never ever fail to look up at the sky. Every time you walk outside, look up. You're either looking up to feel the rain on your face, looking up to see how blue the sky is, looking up to see the stars, or looking up to find the moon. Either way, it is always worth it. Always be able to tell people about yourself. What's my favorite movie? Everyone collectively say it together: PULP FICTION. Always know the things that put you in touch with yourself and the things that make you feel close to home. It is always an asset to know who you are. Intelligence will never be ugly. Intelligence will always be sexy. Never let anyone dumb you down and never choose to let your intelligence go by the wayside and quit learning for someone. Always strive to be like John. Always be someone who makes time for your friends, always be supportive, but also know your boundaries. Know what you need for yourself. Being a smartass will always amuse somebody. Even if that person is you (or me). Always take care of yourself, because no one will do it for you. Music will always hit where you need it to and if all else fails, the most important thing is Gilmore Girls. Life only comes around once, sweetie. Don't waste it.
On men:
Sweetheart, if a man ever says he'll stay faithful to you as long as you are willing to put out. RUN. Run so far away. Never date a man that doesn't have a hobby. You don't need a man that hasn't committed to anything since his fourth grade art project. And same to you. Writing, art, and photography never go out of style, always keep at least one hobby. Any man who calls you a slut or a whore, will never ever love you the way you want to be loved. Let it go. Never date a man who betrays his own friends. If he can't even watch out for the people who have his back, why would he look out for you. If he is disrespectful to your momma, he does not respect you. If a man doesn't want you, what have you always heard? That's fine, because another one does and probably a hell of a lot more. Darling, never hold on to things that aren't meant for you because then you will never find what you are looking for.
On Friends:
This is a subject very near and dear to my heart. Few things in life are more important than good friends. You'll know you're on the right track because spending time with them will send you home with a warm feeling in the pit of your stomach. Or, here's an easier way to tell. Who is around you when you need someone? Who supports you when your shit hits the fan? Or another way to tell. Who can get you drunk and also take care of you and makes sure you get home safe? The easiest way to tell? If you need someone, someone to talk to, someone to come get you, someone to do you a favor and you won't call them, there's probably a reason for that. They're not worth the hassle. Let it go. Great friends have a way of making the worst mistakes livable. You'll know when you meet the ones worth holding on to. You'll just know. You don't have to do something because everyone else is doing it. Sometimes the one who doesn't do it, is the one worth noticing the most. When I was high school, this guy decided to quit smoking. Every time he would hang out with his friends, they would all be smoking and he would pass. He liked his own music, had his own thoughts, and read his own books. Let me tell you, I noticed that boy every day of single from the time we were in seventh until we graduated as seniors.
On Yourself:
Never ever fail to look up at the sky. Every time you walk outside, look up. You're either looking up to feel the rain on your face, looking up to see how blue the sky is, looking up to see the stars, or looking up to find the moon. Either way, it is always worth it. Always be able to tell people about yourself. What's my favorite movie? Everyone collectively say it together: PULP FICTION. Always know the things that put you in touch with yourself and the things that make you feel close to home. It is always an asset to know who you are. Intelligence will never be ugly. Intelligence will always be sexy. Never let anyone dumb you down and never choose to let your intelligence go by the wayside and quit learning for someone. Always strive to be like John. Always be someone who makes time for your friends, always be supportive, but also know your boundaries. Know what you need for yourself. Being a smartass will always amuse somebody. Even if that person is you (or me). Always take care of yourself, because no one will do it for you. Music will always hit where you need it to and if all else fails, the most important thing is Gilmore Girls. Life only comes around once, sweetie. Don't waste it.
Saturday, January 19, 2019
I Adore You Darling
What is love?
If not made of moments,
where one person proves
their knowledge of the other.
Moments where one is sad,
and one comforts.
Moments where two people
come to the same place everyday,
and call it home.
Moments where real things
build one on top of the other,
until our whole world is real.
Moments where two people
vow to call each other first
when news arrives.
Moments where you climb on top of me
And I know what it feels like
to lose all control.
Moments where two people
occupy space in each other's mind.
Little moments where I look at you
and you are already staring at me.
What is love?
If not all the moments
where I have come from you?
All the moments where
you lean into my ear and
whisper the dirtiest of dirty things,
so I forget what I was trying
to order.
Moments where you whisper
my name in the dark silence of night.
What is love?
If not you and I.
If not made of moments,
where one person proves
their knowledge of the other.
Moments where one is sad,
and one comforts.
Moments where two people
come to the same place everyday,
and call it home.
Moments where real things
build one on top of the other,
until our whole world is real.
Moments where two people
vow to call each other first
when news arrives.
Moments where you climb on top of me
And I know what it feels like
to lose all control.
Moments where two people
occupy space in each other's mind.
Little moments where I look at you
and you are already staring at me.
What is love?
If not all the moments
where I have come from you?
All the moments where
you lean into my ear and
whisper the dirtiest of dirty things,
so I forget what I was trying
to order.
Moments where you whisper
my name in the dark silence of night.
What is love?
If not you and I.
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