I Hate Me So That Means You Too

Shug,

What are you doing? Probably something stupid? Me too. If I had a dollar for every time I have said you intentionally self-destruct, I could pay for a plane ticket to not be here anymore. I have spent so much time calling you out on this that I forgot something. I do it too. I also continuously and for no apparent reason fuck up my life. So right now, I hate us both. You haven't actually done anything to me but I'm feeling pretty angry right now so you get to be the other target. Is that why you picked her? Is it just another way for you to destroy yourself? The other night me and my, I don't know what you call her, had a fight and it was stupid and pointless and now it's just this crazy explosive thing that went too far. And it's like when something goes to far, there's no turning back. Just sitting around waiting on someone to determine the next moment in your life? And I just hate so much that I did this, I did not mean to do this. Sitting around, pretending you don't grow more and more sick to your stomach, as hour by hour passes. Did I ever make you feel this way? Is this sick karmic retribution? I just wanted to be happy and now? I get to be alone and you still get to be with crazy. Which one of us better off? I feel so disgusted with myself. Can you relate? You get to have someone else in her bed and I get to feel like complete dirt. I wish you were here to tell me what to do. I wish you were here to tell me it's going to be okay and she's going to come through.

Here's to hoping you're in a better place in life than me.

Words Don't Mean Anything When You Don't Even Say Them

Hey shug,
I know I haven't wrote to you in a while, but honestly, I just haven't had anything to say. I do think you are the only other person I know who has such a knack for self-destruction. So this is kinda to be expected. I don't know why we do it either. Sometimes I just want to run away and start over. Every time I pour my heart out to someone and they just sit there. Every time they say just the bare minimum to keep me around. Every time they leave me blatantly hurting. My heart closes just a little more. And eventually, one day it won't open at all. But who the hell would even notice. How is it possible that I just continually end up in one-sided love affairs where the only person who doesn't get off scot free, is me? Then I remember if I ran, I would just spend my days crying because I missed that dang baby. So I stay. Stay, looking for the kind of love I have never received in return. Hoping against all hope that will somehow be the one person destined to give a fuck about me. And nothing ever changes, the people might look like they get better and better on paper, but damn, do they all hurt the same. And everyone does it. All of them. No matter how much I love them, they just ignore all the words on words on words I spew out and say a whole bunch of nothing in return. Is this the cruelty of my life? Was I an awful person in another world? I just hope you're doing a hell of a lot better than me.

One That Hurt

Hello ex-lover.
And by ex-lover, I really mean
girl who thinks she deserves
another chance.
And by another chance,
I mean,
I think I'm falling for you again.
Falling down into your depths.
Depths as in,
Will you save me?
Or will you let the mermaids
sing their song?
Lure me right into hell.
Hell, where every inch of me
burns.
Burns after the sting of your
rejection.
Burns like watching you pour
gasoline on a fire,
that I'm sitting too close to.
And all you have to do is
reach out your hand,
And pull me a few feet away.
Like watching you,
Glass trapped in between us.
And all you have to do,
is pick up a rock and
smash it.
Fall into my arms,
And we'll fall into your bed.
Where we can spend forever,
Arms wrapped up in arms,
legs wrapped in legs.
Wrapped up, until you kick me out.
And by kick me out I mean
you never let me in,
in the first place.
Never let me in like have you
ever cared about any girl?
Or all we all just something you collect.
Our feelings bottled up on your shelves.
Fuck ours, I mean mine.
My feelings on your shelves.
where they begged to be touched
by you.
And you forgot they exist.

Love Doesn't Care How Pretty Your Life Is

Angel,

Let me hear how hard your heart beats

at my appearance.

Let me feel how you shake in

anticipation. 

Look at me with your bedroom eyes,

And I pray they never look anywhere else. 

Let me feel your breath 

whispering against my skin.

Let me feel how you feel,

when your body meets mine. 

One on top of the other, 

skin to skin. 

Your fingers finding

their way inside. 

Let me feel how what you felt

falling in love with me for

the first time. 

There is never a good time for

someone to enter your life. 

There is never a good time

for someone to interrupt your chaos. 

Never easy to learn one plus 

one makes two.

It is never easy to let someone see 

you for the wreck you feel like you are. 

But everyone has two options here, 

let it in your life, to hell with inconvenience, 

Or spend every day wishing you had. 

I Think Home Is Where Your Laughter Finds You

Hey shug,

Do you ever just lay down at night and realize you spent the day thinking about all the wrong things? Do you ever have the notion that we spend so much time caring about all the things that don't matter? Every day is filled with so many of these little moments that are so perfect and we never stop and take notice. What is life if not built off of these little moments? The idea that no matter how bad things have been going for us, sometimes the universe still has our backs. What is life if not walking into a room full of strangers, and six weeks later walking out with a handful of people you consider friends? People whose humor plays well with yours? People who ask how your day is going? The idea that you came home and sat on the bed to listen to your roommate tell you a story and you genuinely got how she was feeling. To form that human connection with someone because you understand a part of their story. The idea that your best friend called you today just to talk about each other's lives and play catch up. The idea that you and your people laughed your asses off last night over nothing at all. The idea that today you heard a pretty girl sing a song you secretly love and the realization that it might just be the best sound you've ever heard. The idea that you get to enjoy a peaceful night to yourself while the rest of the world sleeps. The idea that there are so many people whose presence was directly affected by you today and you have no clue. The idea that at the end of the day the only thing that matters is the connection we feel to other human beings. The idea that little moments spent with other people matter. The idea that we are creatures that yearn to belong together. The idea that some of us have just had the worst day we will ever have, and some people just had the best. Someone made eye contact with the love of their life for the first time today. Someone reconnected with a person who meant the world to them today. Someone got to see their child being brought into this world today. Someone watched their best friend make a full recovery today. The idea that every single one of us gets lucky sometimes.

One Because You Don't Have to See the Destruction You Cause

Let me ask you a question: why do you keep hurting me? Why do you think it's okay to come and go as you please? I don't mean anything to you, so why do you like to string me along? Why is it fun for you to hurt me? You come around just long enough to make sure I'm not moving on and then disappear again, without a trace. You seek me out to make sure I'm not moving on with someone you don't want me to move on with and once you get that satisfaction, I go back to not existing. But every time you call me, every time you contact me, every time you seek me out, you bring to the surface things I try to bury. I try to make a life for myself, without you. But somehow you take up an awful lot of space for someone who is never around. You get to move on with your life, you get to have the life I wanted with you, with someone else. Why can't I do the same? You can't come around in those magic moments where you find yourself alone and your girl isn't around, say two sentences and leave. You don't get to do that. I deserve to forget you the way you forget me.

You Must Be Really Pretty

Dear sweet darling.
Come take a seat,
Take a seat and,
make yourself comfortable.
Plan to stay with me awhile.
If you don't mind, that is.
Tell me where your hopes
and dreams lie.
Tell me what scares you,
Why you're so close to your sister,
And how you came to live
with your grandmother.
Tell me what your last good day
was like,
What you like about your friends,
And the last time something
touched your soul.
Tell me why you believe in aliens,
Why you love music,
And how your last relationship
hurt you.
Show me your scars,
I'll show you mine.
I'll listen mercilessly.
And eventually we'll settle
into peacefulness.
Can I hear your heartbeat in our
silence?
Dear sweet darling,
Come take a seat,
Make yourself comfortable.
Because all I really want
is to know you.