One Because Fuck You

You know, I've never thought I'd ever have shit to say to you again, but I'm really fucking angry right now, and you make a damn good target. I always thought if I ever did say anything to you again, I'd tell you all the bad things I'd done. All the vile things, disgusting things, anything I could say that was bad enough to deserve you not wanting me. But you know what, you're not worth it. There's an encounter that keeps running through my head. A person ran into you in a restaurant one day and brought me up, and you acted clueless. Clueless to the fact that you do have a daughter, and if that doesn't sound like you, I don't know what does. Where were you every chorus concert, play, or musical? Where were you on my graduation day when I graduated in the top ten? Where were you when I got a full scholarship to college? Where were you when I learned how to drive? Where were you when I got so depressed, I wanted to die? Where the fuck are you? Every since you left, I've never truly had anyone. My whole life has been trying to figure things out on my own. Never had anyone to give me advice, to tell me the best way to do my makeup, to tell me about boys, to teach me how to sing, draw, or write. Where were you when my best friend broke my heart? Where were you when the man that I loved was in the hospital on life support? Where the fuck are you now to keep me from screwing up my life? Where are you to tell me some things are worth fighting for and happy endings could be real? Where are you to tell me that if I get my heart broken, I'll still be in one piece, and it'll be hard, but i'll survive? But as usual you're not here, you never were. Thank you for teaching me my number one lesson though, just because you love someone, doesn't mean they'll stay. Truly, fuck you.

One Because, Let's Be Real, Writing is the Only Thing I Know

Shug, let me ask you something? Funny, I feel that's how a lot of my letters to you start out. Do you think your mom would have been happier, had she in fact stayed with the love of her life? Do you think that by her staying and time and patience would have changed him back into the man he once was? Do you think she missed out by not having the love of her life? You know, when you're a little kid, they tell your goal is to find someone you love. But that's very misleading. Love isn't always enough to make a relationship last, no matter how much we wish it was. Love, it's a funny thing though. It makes you put up with way more than you ordinarily would, but how much is too much? When do you get to that point where you know a man isn't going to change? How many bad moments make a bad life? Are there some things men should already have down? What it comes down to is this: When is the right time to leave a man? When is he no longer husband material? That, or course, makes me ask myself, "Samantha, what defines husband material to you?" What thinks have to be there, regardless of all else, love or not. My first two are obvious if you've ever met me. I want a faithful man and an honest one. Two things that are much harder to find than I had initially thought. I want a man I could see cooking dinner for every night, a man I could see tucking my kids into bed, a man I could see drinking wine on a porch with long after everyone else is asleep. So now, it comes down to what does a man have to have to make me feel okay doing those things with him. Everyone wants a man who treats them well. Actually, regardless of gender, everyone wants to be treated well. Everyone wants to feel loved and appreciated. Personally, I want a man who isn't scared of hard work. I have places I want to go in life, and men who don't have any goals or plans for their life low key scare me. Now, I'm not dumb, and life almost never goes according to plan, but that doesn't mean it isn't worth having one. I want a man who puts his family first, this man is my partner, a person I'm supposed to be able to share my load with. If I carry all my weight, and his weight, what's the point of having him around? He's supposed to help make my life easier and carry some of the weight. That means he has to be trusted to make decisions, that he can be trusted by himself, without me there to hold his hand. That I can go out for a little while by myself to the movies or to get my nails done and trust him with my home and my children. When a man puts you and your family first, he's showing you that you matter, that you two have a strong bond, that he's serious about you, that you two can face whatever comes because he will always have your back and nothing can come in between you two. I want a man who has the thought to do sweet things for me and surprises, not because I expect them, but because the lust and romance will come and go. When the lust isn't there, you gotta have a man that's your best friend. That loves you too much to step out on you, and you can still sit and talk with. When that lust is gone, you're going to need to have something substantial until it comes back. Is it too late for old dogs to learn new tricks? Can men really become those things, or do they either have it or they don't?

Because I Adore One - Liners

"You'd be surprised who the love of your life turns out to be. After all, Adventure fell in love with Lost." - Erin Van Vuren

"I aspire to be an old man with an old wife laughing at old jokes from a wild youth." - Atticus

"Draw a monster. Why is it a monster?"

" "Show me your scars," he said. "But... Why?" she asked quizzically. "I want to see how many times you needed me and I wasn't there," he whispered, a tear rolling down his cheek."

"Fall in love with a weird one - someone not quite right in the head - life is far more interesting when love is odd." - Topher Kearby

"Magic tumbled from her pretty lips and when she spoke the language of the universe - the stars sighed in unison." - Michael Faudet

"I have late night conversations with the moon, he tells me about the sun and I tell him about you." - S. L. Gray

"I asked her if she believed in love, and she smiled and said it was her most elaborate method of self-harm." - Benedict Smith


"Because everything she does comes from within. From some dark impulse. I guess that's what makes her so thrilling to watch. So dangerous. Even perfect at times, but also so damn destructive."

" "When you wake up in the morning, Pooh," said Piglet at last, "what's the first thing you say to yourself?" "What's for breakfast?" said Pooh. "What do you say, Piglet?" "I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?" said Piglet."

"We live on a blue planet that circles around a ball of fire next to a moon that moves the sea, and you don't believe in miracles?"

"Addiction is tricky. For example; a man who quit smoking for 11 years spent 15 seconds in an elevator with a man smoking a cigarette. He gave in. What I'm trying to say is, I think I love you again."

"There are times when all her pure soul needs is my filthy love."

"The world will break your heart ten ways to Sunday. That's guaranteed. I can't begin to explain that or the craziness inside myself or everyone else. But guess what? Sunday's my favorite day again."

"They say love will not last, that it has no happy ending, but I say the hell with what they say: let us burn these fears down to the ground and we will dance like children in the ashes." - Christopher Poindexter

"We are, as a species, addicted to story. Even when the body goes to sleep, the mind stays up all night, telling itself stories." - Jonathan Gottschall

"I don't ask you to love me always like this, but I ask you to remember. Somewhere inside of me there will always be the person I am tonight." - F. Scott Fitzgerald

"I miss you deeply, unfathomably, senselessly, terribly." - Kafka

"Not only did I love her, but I could tell the universe loved her, too. More than others. She was different. After all, I would be a fool not to notice the way the sunshine played with her hair." - Christopher Poindexter

"Before you say yes, get him angry. See him scared, see him wanting, see him sick. Stress changes a person. Find out if he drinks and if he does, get him drunk - you'll learn more about his sober thoughts. Discover his addictions. See if he puts you in front of them. You can't change people, baby girl. If they are made one way, it doesn't just wear off. If you hate how he acts when he's out of it now, you're going to hate it much worse eight years down the road. You might love him to bits but it doesn't change that some people just don't fit."

"Do your squats, eat your vegetables, wear red lipstick, and don't let boys be mean to you."

"He said, "Try to learn to breathe deeply, really to taste food when you eat, and when you sleep really to sleep. Try as much as possible to be wholly alive with your might, and when you laugh, laugh like hell. And when you get angry, get good and angry. Try to be alive. You will be dead soon enough."

One that is Part of the New Series - Interview Two

* man dated woman for two years, is now married to someone else, it has been seven years

Me: How did you guys break up?
Him: I left her in a text message.

Me: Why did you guys end?
Them: She didn't want to enjoy the simple activities, always wanted to do expensive things like go out and have dinner.

Me: Are there any things you think you could have improved on in that relationship?
Them: No, I was good and I tried.

Me: Are there any things she could have improved on?
Them: Yeah, she could've been more chill and less expensive. She was also taking all these strange vacations all the time. She could've stopped that. No one goes off that often and every weekend.

Me: Do you experience of these feelings or issues with your wife?
Them: No, not at all.

Me: Were you guys sleeping together?
Them: No.

Me: Did you miss her after you guys split?
Them: No.

Me: Do you ever think about the girl you almost dated after her and before you got with your wife?
Them: I sometimes have the thought of what it would be like but I don't regret not dating her and dating my wife instead.

One That's Real

Do you think you'll ever get it together or in your mind is your life together? You know, I always thought you were proof that people could change, but I don't know anymore. Maybe people just flow through life doing the same shit. Which is the most depressing thought I've had. I'll just flow through life, not staying anywhere, moving from one version of me to another, just grasping at temporary things. As fun as I'm sure it must look like I have, since that keeps ending up my life, I don't want that. I don't want to be some fleeting memory in everybody's mind. I want stability, something everlasting and secure. Is it the people I pick, are they bad, or just the wrong people, or am I the issue? Samantha, why do you leave? It's the most famous question, the million dollar one too. I don't ever set out to leave. It can't be the people, I've left plenty of good ones. It's like once someone hurts you, it's impossible to know they won't do it again, actually you know they will. And it'll get easier for them every time. It's like knowing feelings don't last forever, and over time, slowly, you'll look less shiny. When they get mad, they will stay mad longer and longer and get a little angrier each time. It's like when you get mad, they'll care less and less as the days go by, and they'll try with less and less effort to fix it. It's like they'll start noticing other people as attractive more and more because they already know your body and have grown accustomed and realized that won't change. They'll care less and less about hurting your feelings because you always forgive, always get mad, always overreact. They'll wake up one day and their first thought won't be how grateful they are to wake to you. They'll cry over you less and less. They won't appreciate your music and they won't care what you're reading. The effort will decrease. They won't care about making your sandwiches just right, they'll quit making your coffee in the morning, quit throwing your towel in the dryer when you're in the shower so it will be warm. People want everything but the hard times, and when things don't go their way, you won't look the same to them anymore. What person could possibly want you forever? Who could possibly leave other human beings alone that long, no matter how hard shit is with you? I don't know, but maybe if someone could convince me, I wouldn't always feel the need to run. Forever is a feeling, one most people aren't willing to put the energy into giving you.

One that Has the Potential to be the Ending

Sailor pulled up to the house and cut her lights. She sat that in the car for a few seconds collecting her breath and trying to stop her heart, she looked at the clock on the dash, four in the morning. Sailor got out of the car and walked to the door. If it's locked, she thought, then I should just leave. He won't care anymore. Sailor put her hand on the knob and turned, the door opened. The door creaked softly and the figure stirred a little in the darkness but did not wake. Sailor walked over to his bed, kicked her shoes off, pushed his legs to the side and laid down at the foot of it. 

Sailor awoke to find the blonde boy laying down across from her, looking into her eyes. "Sailor, what are you doing here?" Sailor looked at him for a moment, and finally spoke. "I choose you." 

One That's Not a Story, But Rather the Truth

Because let's be real, the only semi-decent writing I've ever done has been to you. I sit around sometimes and wonder why writing to you has always been easiest and I guess it's because there's something to knowing that no matter what you did, someone had your back. You didn't care if I woke up and wanted to be a bitch to every person who entered my line of vision, you didn't care if I wanted to lay in bed and cry all day long, you didn't care if I wanted to spend the day outside rolling around in the grass with no cell phone, just to feel the sunshine. It didn't matter what I did, or who I wanted to be that day, or who I hurt, helped, or made happy. You were always there, no matter what, with that same look in your eyes. I wonder if you ever think back that far, if those are memories you even still have. Do you remember staying up all night, talking about any and everything. Movies, books, aliens. Do you remember when Andrea was around? How silly things got the later the clock went on. Do you remember our senior night. I made you sit with her because I didn't want her to be by herself. You told her about punching Eric in the face, you taught all about deep-throating hot dogs, a conversation I will never understand how that came into existence, Benji said he forgot we weren't already married and that she wasn't our kid, we literally watched your brother eat 12 plates of food. Would you look at my life now and be surprised? To see me in the exact same position as always. My life slowly going up in flames right in front of me. I swear I don't even try to fuck things up on purpose, but hey, maybe you already know that? Would you feel sorry for me for once, to see me actually being a tornado, not just a bad force in your life? Or would you laugh at your favorite disaster, back at it again? I'd tell you about everyone. I'd tell you about Tristan, he's so shy and somewhat awkward, he'd remind you of Zane. You'd love Lolli, everyone does, he's like your mom, seems like he's motherly and then pops off with ridiculously inappropriate shit. Travis, you'd like, he'd remind you of the people you hang with. You would love his stories. Alex would remind you of the person you used to be, quiet and reserved. You'd love my kids, they are incredibly smart, also slightly manipulative. They'd like you too. Is Bukowski still the great inspiration of your life? You know the thing that Bukowski and Fante fail to tell you is, regardless of the no fucks policy and managing to not spend any legitimate time in jail and calling it adventure, they were deeply unhappy people. Then again, all I've wanted is to be Lula and I still manage to find myself as miserable as them, so damn, maybe you're doing it right. Do you wish you had woken up from the hospital with no memory? The doctor said you could have had brain loss, if you had no memory, wouldn't things be different. You wouldn't need alcohol to run from yourself anymore. Do you think I'm cursed, New Orleans voodoo shit? Would you sit down and try to distract me? Lots of movies and food. Would you sit with me while I cried? Would you tell me it's okay to run and hide? Would you tell me to fight? Would you blame me? Or him? If I could have anything in the world, that's what I would want. Another human being, like you, who had my back no matter what. Who loved me, no matter what. Who could watch me cry, or ignore them, or be a bitch, or be happy, and never look at me any different. To truly be myself in my constant state of confusion and have that be just fine. I hope all things happy and good in your life. Always, and just for old times sake, drink one for me.