Are You Wrong If It Always Happens?

 

It’s September 12, things aren’t going well here. You claim you love me but then bad things keep happening. I’m so used to you being the person to understand and I feel like I’m losing that. I feel like I don’t know how to retrieve that. Did we only exist that way as an illusion? You keep saying things that aren’t nice as it relates to my character, which is an odd feeling because you should be the person who thinks the most high of me and lately, you’re not. I’m too spoiled, too everything and not enough for you, too emotional, too confused on how to move on. I don’t want to be ugly or unlovable, but I guess if I knew how to stop those things, I never would’ve been hurt in the first place. I’m always better as some dream, I’m never as good a time in reality. When you’re gone, you’ll still think of me as a good time and I’ll live best in your imagination. I can always be exactly what everyone wants in their own head. The biggest whore, the most well-behaved, the one who never speaks. No one has ever liked the version of me that has thoughts and is too emotional and can’t be controlled. That’s love no one ever wants to give. It’s like always being told you’re the dream and then you never really are. The whirlwind that’s not fun for anyone but the thing you might stay with and slowly resent, you know, all the best moments. All I keep hearing is being told that I’m too sensitive and too emotional. I’d just be better as a bitch. The I’m sorry and I love you only last for so long and then no one says those things anymore. It’s forgive without the affirmation that you’re still relevant or be a cunt. If I knew how to make someone not want to hurt me forever, I’d do that. I don’t. Never could figure out how to make someone actively covet you forever. The universe’s favorite childhood trauma. Everyone gets more prepared to leave and less interested in telling you how you matter, no more sweet words, no more tears, no more love notes, just fuck you bitch. The girl who couldn’t make her own family want her, definitely can’t keep you sweet and loving. The kicker to all of it, the inevitable unwanting.