Hey shug,
Can't even lie, it feels a little crazy writing letters you'll never read while I also simultaneously carry on a conversation with you. You know letters to you is how I started writing in the first place. I was so lonely without you. I used to write you letters everyday for months and months. I would feel them with all the things I wished I could've told you. You would later go on to throw every single one of those away without reading it. You know I will never forget meeting you for the first time. We were on stage and you came walking in. You had on a t-shirt and a black and white flannel over it, and khakis, and gray vans. You were tall and slightly awkward and you had giant hands and feet. I'll never forget the first time I realized I had feelings for you. I was sitting in bed with my feet propped up, in black shorts and a white t shirt, so pretty much the exact same outfit I wear now, and my stereo was going. In that moment, I was so sure I was supposed to marry you, I genuinely would have bet my whole life on that fact. You were the only thing I saw on this whole planet. The first time we kissed, it was backstage in the hallway in complete and total darkness, a random moment just between us. I always said my whole life that the only thing I ever wanted was someone to take my hand and take me far away. I think metaphorically you did that. I was so lonely back then. I had plenty of friends but when I got home from school, it was like all of that went away. I was home by myself always. You used to stay awake for hours, sometimes all night, and talk to me. Anything and everything was up for discussion and all of those hours were the first time in my life that I didn't feel totally alone. I'll never forget us breaking up the first time. It was almost the most heartbreaking thing in my life. I didn't know human beings were capable of that noise at that time. I remember seeing you two years later, your t shirt was green this time. We used to take naps, and you would make me food, and we would smoke in your parent's hot tub. You really gave me the shock of my life, literally. I don't think I ever knew true fear until I saw you in the hospital. Some days I think taking care of Alex's kids is the only reason I even came out of that. Knowing I had other people I had to take care of. You know my whole adult life, this is all I wanted. You. This. Anything and everything you had to offer. You were always on this really untouchable level in my life. Trust me, it has always had this unbelievable knack to piss people off. You had always cared about me so, I don't know, purely. You always truly loved me. You have always cared about me on a deep level, and the idea that you could have cared about someone else that way is incredibly sickening to think about. Mind you, for absolutely no logical reason. You were always so different and everyone always thought you were so about me and I just didn't think you'd ever find anyone who hit that same spot in you. It's enough to drive you absolutely bananas. I remember pulling up to the restaurant before prom and begging Phillip to turn around because I just wanted you to think I was so beautiful and the idea that you wouldn't had me almost unwilling to get out of the car. I always said that everything I learned in life, I learned from you. How to write, how to love, how a heart breaks. I have always wanted every thing you have done, and every decision you have ever made. Have you ever loved anyone that deeply? That it changed your life? And I mean something you didn't make. Something you owe nothing to or have no logical reason that care for something that deeply. I wish you saw the years worth of fights always caused by you, the conversations I kept saved on my phone, the number of times I searched for your name, the volume of sentences that involved your name. You have always been my best relationship killer. Even after years and years of life lived, I would still die to see that look on your face. The look you used to give me when we were kids. That was everything to me and I'm so sorry that's not where our lives ended up in those moments. I will always think it's supposed to be you though. I have never met anyone in this whole world who was more loved than you, except maybe Lakyn by nanny. Even when you weren't around. I have always hoped and prayed for you. I hope that one day you will come to find places inside of you where I fit and no one else ever could. A part of you that wants me to publicly be such a part of your life. I have heartbreakingly missed you Mase.
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