Wishing I was dead
Because it’s better
Better than watching you chew
my emotions.
Spit them out with an ugly grin.
Tossing and turning,
in what isn’t supposed to be an empty bed.
Nothing but thoughts of the pain
in my head.
Dragging my heart all over town,
like it’s a demolition and you,
Well you, you need the prize money.
Wishing I was dead
Because it’s better
Better than all the tears,
that make me hate myself.
A silent house,
the place where laughter came to die.
Alcohol is better than conversations,
and quality time are those rare moments
you’re not totally alone.
Care is a two way street.
Care, as in I care for you
And you also care that I care for you.
Abandoned,
that’s what living here is.
Alone,
just like the place I grew up in.
The place where I love you
is only important if you’re acting fine.
Wishing I was dead
Because it’s better
Better than being told I’m impossible,
Impossible to make happy.
While I scream so loud I can hear
nothing else,
“Just love me.”
But did I really scream,
But am I really horrible,
Or is caring enough to notice when
someone isn’t okay, a deal that’s off
the table.
Holding and hugs are only for good girls.
“Everything is going to be okay,
I still love you.
I’ll always support you,”
Seemingly exist only in my head.
But the sadness, the sadness,
that’s not all in my head.
Seeps into my bones,
whispers in my ear,
a permanent chill I feel.
Love is a reward,
not something meant for everyone.
Can you do your tricks for me today?
Anger and sadness are bad behaviors.
You lose control, you’re a freak,
you’re the reason no one loves you,
you. are. the. problem.
Mental health isn’t for everyone.
Unless that everyone is how
the things you feel inside,
affect them.
Needs aren’t met, life continues.
Pins drop, dogs bark, you are still
alone.
And no one notices.
