Sequential Order, Technically Part Two from Nonexistent Book, Also Scene Rewrite

Sailor sat at her desk, her bare feet propped up on it. Boston's Amanda playing on her stereo, staring at her phone, waiting on some guy who she had met at a gas station to tell her something he believed in. Same old question, new guy, same old uninspired answer. You know who would answer this question with a good answer, the perfect answer? Sailor thought to herself. Mason. And all of a sudden, it hit Sailor with a feeling in her stomach, a feeling so strong and so sure others might name it prophesy. It was him. The giant question of where her future lay. And he was the glowing answer. She ignored the ding on her phone, the guy's answer to her question, as her mind began to divulge it's plan. Sailor had always planned to write Mason a letter for graduation, well that was still a month away, but this revelation had placed a sense of urgency on her. So the wait began, until the time was right. At the ripe hour of 3 a.m., Sailor sat down to write her letter. 

Darling Mason,
I know we haven't spoken in a few months, and I know that is mostly my fault. But I have always wanted to write you a letter for graduation, I just was never sure what it would say. The first thing it should say is I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all the moments you have felt hurt by me. And I mean that I am truly sorry. Do you hear me? I am sorry that I pushed you to the side and didn't give you the attention you deserve, or the effort for that matter. I'm sorry I made you feel as if I wasn't interested in having you, because I am in fact in interested. I know you're in a relationship and if that's where your heart is, I do not want to get in the way of that. But I do love you. And I feel in my heart there is a time and a place where you and I are meant to be together. I'm sorry to interrupt your life, but I had to tell you, for my sanity and so you'll know. If you do not wish to speak to me, you don't have to. I wish you all of life's happiness and I will always love you. Love, Sailor.

The next day Mason sat at his desk, looked to his left and found Sailor's best friend approaching. Oh God, she's coming for me, he thought. Kenzie reached him, pulled out a manila envelope and said, "I think you need to read this," placed it on his desk and walked off.

Has She Met Me?

What do you see when you close your eyes?
What do you dream?
Where does your heart go?
Do you see her?
Standing on the beach,
Wet feet and sandy hair.
Do you see her,
Sitting at a table,
In your favorite restaurant.
Eating your favorite meal.
Do you see her,
Sleeping in your bed,
Peacefully and steady.
Or do you see me?
Broken and drenched.
Heart and feet in a puddle,
Ready to be your favorite fuck-up.
Nothing special, nothing new,
And probably nothing good.
But ready to worship at your feet,
Once again.

From the Archive, Apparently from a Scorned Women, Dated June 27, 2016

I have long since come to the conclusion that some people just love misery. They let the darkness wrap its arms around them and they call it home. It's where they find solace, because it's familiar, easy, comfortable. Was that you? Do you feel at home in utter misery? Because you are so damn good at creating your own. If you saw the destruction that you caused when your actions became self-seeking and hellacious, and you're hell-bent on destroying your own life, would you hesitate? If you saw the nights your mom stayed up sobbing about you, the times she lost sleep worrying about your safety, the times your girlfriend sat there for hours scared to move, scared to think about where you were or what you were doing. The rage that you have caused to flow threw your sister. Do you ever stay up and feel all the hurt you've caused? Is that why you drink? Is that why you can't look at yourself? Or, is it something deeper? Something we can't see? How much would it take for you to fight the darkness, try to make a life, something good and substantial. What is worth it to you?

Dearest Darling,

Can you feel it?
Do you know?
It's all for you.
All of it.
All of the words
that have ever come from me.
No matter the space or time.
At the end of the day,
they all belong to you.
Tell me darling,
do you even know?

Where Were You When I Disappeared?

Why do you not care?
Care that your harsh words rip me to shreds
Care that your looks make me feel ashamed of who I am
Care that your silence makes my head scream with sad thoughts
And my heart shatter like glass at my feet
Care that your inability to acknowledge the ways you hurt me
Make me never want to speak again
Care that you don't have to tear me down anymore
Because I'm already whittled away into nothing
Pretty soon I'll be dead inside,
Unreachable
I'll be a mute
My thoughts and feelings will be heard no more
My silence deafening
I wonder,
Will you care then?

Life is Hard and Some Hard Parts Last Longer than Expected

It's been a hard week. I wonder where you are and what you're doing. Are you happy in this very second or is life beating on you too? Do the pains of your life ache the same way mine do? Are you content and complacent or arguing against the ordinary? It seems like everyday is an unexpected struggle and nothing gets easier. Do you think life is built against us? Is the purpose we have here simply trying to fight against something always trying to take us down? Well, I'm exhausted. Are you?

Do You Miss Me?

Would you notice if I disappeared?
Piece by piece slipped away
Until there was nothing left
Would you feel it in your bones
Would there be some type of cosmic tipoff
Or would my ceasing go unnoticed by you?

Fuck Me, Daddy

Do you wanna make love?
Do you wanna make me?
Or do you wanna make both?
Do you want to love me emotionally?
Do you want to sing happy songs to my dark parts?
Do you want to kiss me long and lazy?
Do you want to take my burdens with every blanket you wrap me up in?
Do you want to play with me in front of the open window because we're shameless?
Do you want to tell me stories to soothe my soul?
Do you want to fuck me while the rain comes down all around us?
Tell me, do you?

My Morning, Your Cigarette

What would you do if we disappeared together,

into a bed. 

Where no one would miss us. 

Where your sweet kisses could 

meet my mornings.

Where my lazy days could 

meet your fingers. 

And we could fall into love over and over again.