I was going to wait til tomorrow to talk to you, but memory really isn't my thing any longer. I do love you, just the way you are. I don't like pills, I don't like something artificial and chalked full of chemicals, I don't think it's healthy and I think it's dangerous. And you've always been one for extremes, you know it too. I'm sorry for today though. I just saw your behavior last week and then today and it wasn't a good snapshot into our future. I don't think you realize how long term centered girls are in their train of thought. And honestly, I think it's a birth thing. Girls have to carry the kid, to fill it grow inside them and I guess that thought has a lot of them straightening their ass up. I really do want kids, I didn't even realize how much, but it's become terribly important to me. And that's what everyone keeps saying to me, my grandmother, your mom, Lulu, that you're going to grow up, you've come a long way, but there's a lot more to go. And I look at you and think that I can see that. But hearing that you felt the compulsion to get fucked up just to sit in chapel with me, well first, I find it disrespectful, and next, it sounded like regression, not progress. In the eyes of the law, once you turn 18, you're legally an adult, but it takes a hell of a lot more than that to be a man. It has to be what you think is best for our family, not what you think is best for you. And I'm not saying these things about you so please don't get mad. I'm trying to talk and tell you how I feel on the subject. We won't have a very happy life if one of us grows up and one of us doesn't. And it really stung because I thought you were making progress. That talk the other day about self improvement was the first time I've felt truly listened to and understood for the first time in I can't even tell you how long. And I thought my words were getting through to you. I think you have what it takes to be an amazing man, but not if you don't think that you're not worth becoming that person. Then neither of us are going to be very happy in our lives together. You're so wonderful, but we're at the age where some things have to start changing and we have to start thinking seriously about the future. Grant, I'm really scared. This is where most of my relationships end, this time frame. I get the desire to run, because deep down I still feel like that 16 year old telling you I don't believe in love because I've never seen it be worth anything. Fighting to keep something that has such a tendency to leave is going to be hard. And I'm terrified of losing everything I believe in. I couldn't leave you, and I didn't want to. But it was hard, standing to fight for something that in 90% of cases doesn't last was scary, and now, you have to do things that are hard and scary for you too. I hope you're not mad and I hope you're actually listening to me because the future is really uncertain and I need to know how much you want to be that man, where do you see yourself in five years. You have to start thinking long term and you have to put in the work on yourself to get there. But I know that you have what it takes and as long as you want me there, I'll be by your side.
